Hello, my dear. How are you?
I had a tough Monday yesterday at work. It started with that I had to do a presentation together with Vincent, but he wasn’t very happy with some of the nitty gritty details that I didn’t get right. I do feel that I dropped the ball on some of them, but some others are not directly on me, and because my plate is already very full I didn’t have the mental capacity to make sure others are meeting his expectations. And I think because I was already not in the right mental state, I don’t think I presented well.
Then I had a few other “mess” that I had to figure out throughout the day because people reached out for help, even those things are not really relevant to me. In the end I ended my day with a long meeting with the US at midnight. It was another tough call where they gave a lot of feedback (complaints) and asked a lot of “sharp” questions.
By the time it’s done, I was already so exhausted both physically and mentally, I felt like I had to cry but at the same time felt too tired to cry. I went to bed immediately and turned the lights off. But even that didn’t make me feel mentally comfortable enough, I had to cover myself fully with the blanket so that I was in complete darkness. I was so overwhelmed by the day, and the only question I had in my mind was, why is the world so harsh to me.
But at the same time as I asked that question, part of me also know this is a sign that I am pushing myself too hard to give to the world. I just recovered from covid, I am only starting to get more regulated sleep finally, and I should be very conscious that my unstable mental state is the first thing I need to take care of if I want to continue to be a functional human being.
So at that point I told myself that I don’t need to have any more conversations with myself or anyone, I shouldn’t even think about what’s happening tomorrow, I should just rest.
That is why I didn’t write to you here yesterday. I think I ended up falling asleep in tears under the blanket while hugging my imaginary friend pinky dog. I guess I regretted a bit this morning when I woke up with really swollen and dry eyes, but at least I think I had a deep sleep without remembering any nightmare when I woke up. My period came today, I guess that was also part of the reasons why I was so turbulent yesterday.
Just sharing with you this very tough but also realistic day that I had. I think I am feeling slightly better and more manageable today even it was still a very stressful day.
Miss you.
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