.

He left early this morning. We stayed up till 3am and I was only sleeping at 4, so I am now finally awake. Now I have no idea how to digest about everything. I don't even know where to start with.

I think I am traumatised. I just wish I could talk to you, like I always did when things happened.

I feel so scared and I don't even dare to talk to God because I feel I just did something terribly wrong. I remember when I felt so physically lonely, I told myself I'll wait until only when I am mentally and spiritually ready to let anyone give it to me. And I know you always make me feel that way and I tell myself that I can wait till you can give it to me again. But I failed myself, you, and God.

I can't find any excuse for myself to let him touch me step by step. It's even worse that it is this guy. It's not the first time he tried to 'attack' me when I feel lonely. And just like years ago I am still all confused. I can't read him and I can't see through why he did that to me.

Andy I miss you so much. I am so lost without you on this. My will is so weak when facing physical temptation because I really want to be loved by you and I feel extremely lonely. I wish I could do better.