Bitterness.

I wanted to drive to Big Wave Bay for brunch with my brother this morning. But my dad said he needs to use the car to go out with friends (He has a busier social life than me, he goes out with friends everyday), and my brother said he needs to go to Central to buy things for his Japan trip (He officially got together with Sammi and they are going to JP together two days later. Good for him.)

I don't have much thing that I dare to say I 'want' in my everyday life. Yet the only thing that I keep seeing is disappointment while watching everyone else getting what they want.

I know I shouldn't compare myself with others. But how can I not compare? We live in a world where we are forced to be in each other's lives.

Am I expecting too much in life? Am I too greedy and selfish? All I wanted is to feel less internal pain that makes me want to cut myself so that I can use one pain to cover another. All I wanted is to have less moments where I have to suffocate myself under my blanket because I don't want anyone to know I am crying breathlessly while my entire body shivers.

I don't have any Christmas hangovers. All I had was some leftover pasta made from expired Carbonara sauce for 'Christmas dinner', and it caused me stomache for two days. And my parents blame me that it's because my stomach is weak.

Funny enough. I got on the weight balance yesterday. I thought with all the birthday cake and extra eating, I would finally gain some weight. But it's been months and I am still at 46kg. That's just above 100 pounds. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see my ribs from the side. It's frustrating because I do eat and I haven't been on diet. I am 27 but I look like I am dying.

Usually around this time of the year, people start making goals and wishes. But for people like me, I am not even brave enough to hope for anything.

Sorry this is a terrible post. I just thought that rather leaving the website silent, I'd rather be honest with where my heart is at.