.

I spent the whole Saturday crying. I literally cried till I was dehydrated and I couldn't breathe with my nose. My face is dry red and I think there's a 'wound' at the corner of my left eye.

I told Vienna (that friend at church) what happened, and she said something similar happened to her before too, and a lot of guys are like that, they just want to have sex.

I guess when I kept telling myself that I don't 'understand' what happened, it's actually more of that I just don't want to believe that there really are people out there who just want your body. But it makes sense now. That's why he wouldn't offer me a shoulder, he wouldn't wrap his hand around me, he wouldn't say anything romantic, no eye contact. It was purely physical stimulation.

It hurts so much to realise this cruel reality. It's not because I want him to like me. It's because of knowing that, in his eyes my worth is just my body. And that there really are people in this world who just want sex or pure physical touch with no affection with you, as if that is your only worth.

Maybe he isn't the 'worst' kind because he didn't force me to have sex with him. But still this has never happened to me before, everyone who has 'touched' me or tried to touch me before at least had some level of affection towards me. That's why I couldn't 'understand' that he just wants the physical part.

And he betrayed my trust. I forgave what he tried to do years ago. I want to be kind and I trusted him that he really had no place to stay. I trusted him that he really just wanted to have a friend to watch a movie with. All I wanted was a pure relationship. Not a romantic one with him but just friendship. Especially when I have so little friends in the UK.

I feel hurt because of him but also myself. I allowed myself to be hurt by him. I fell for that physical temptation even knowing that he'll never ever be able to make me feel less physically and emotionally lonely. My brain was stupid and slow that whole night because all I wanted was to relax after a long stressful week of taking care of my parents, and my hormones aren't behaving. But these excuses really aren't good enough.

I felt I don't deserve comfort and forgiveness. That's why I didn't want to turn to God. I hesitated to open those daily prompts that I read every morning. But that was also when I felt that I am the same as those many who feel guilty for their mistakes. And I realized again that I am exactly the sinner that Jesus died for to forgive. I am not a saint at all, despite how hard I try. There's a really dark and weak side that I know will always be part of me and I myself can't forgive that. But every time when I cry about how guilty I feel, there's a very small voice in my heart that says to me that I am saved by grace, not by work. I cry even harder because I know God isn't even angry at me. He wants to comfort and forgive me, but he can only do that if I let him to.

"I'll never be more loved than I am right now." That's the one single line of lyrics that I know God wants me to realize. Whether it's the hurt that this guy caused me or the blame that I am putting on myself, God promised that he is still here with me and he will bring healing.

I think this incident will have a lifetime impact on me. I am still crying over this experience.

And, I don't think that guy has given up. In fact yesterday (Saturday) after he left, he said he's thinking to stay one more night in London because he's too tired to take the long hour bus, and he asked if he could sleepover again that night. I said can't because we have a classmate gathering (of course it's an excuse), then he asked if they are sleeping over. I said no but I think it's better he doesn't come. Then he said no worries and I thought he got the hint and has given up.

But today (Sunday) he asked me if I want to spend the last day in London together after I come back from Stockholm (8 & 9/10) because we found out during dinner that he's actually flying to HK the same day as me on 9/10 (I know right, wtf?). I told him I am meeting a friend for dinner on 8/10 and I already booked a single room hotel for the night of 8/10 (I move out from this apartment on 4/10 before I go to Stockholm). Then he says maybe we can meet in the afternoon and after dinner (???) on 8/10. He also asked if my hotel booking can be cancelled because then we can book a king size bed hotel room and split the cost.....

I haven't replied him. I feel I just have to confront him that I don't want stay overnight with him. (Maybe I should just ask him: I thought you have a girlfriend in HK? Does she allow you to sleep with other girls?) Or I should speak up and tell him I can share a room with him but it has to be separate beds and he can't touch me. (Okay this sounds unpromising)

But I don't know. I am so mentally broken now. I just don't have the mental strength to handle the situation and reject him without feeling 'bad'. I also feel that I am in such a weak place to refuse him because unlike him I am not truly occupied and I am in fact lonely. I don't really know what to do and I don't understand why he targets me. I am so bad at handling situation like this and I am so scared and stressed about this.