Hey

I am writing this on my flight to Stockholm. I moved out from my apartment yesterday finally. It’s ironic that that night happened just a few days before I moved out — it kinda makes it feel slightly easier to leave this place that I’ve stayed for a year.

I was in a complete meltdown in the past few days. As my period came at the same time, it was a both physical and mental one. I didn’t write to you because I felt scared to face you. I don’t know how you felt when you read what happened. Were you angry at me that I didn't protect myself? Did it hurt you too? Do you worry about me?

We sometimes have the delusion that how others look at us is the same as how we look at ourselves. But when I look out from the window on the plane, I thought about what you would say to me if you’re here. I imagine you’d hug me tightly and say, ‘I am sorry that I couldn't protect you. I am sorry that I can’t make you feel loved. But I want you to know that you deserve to be loved. Don’t doubt yourself.’

I am sorry if I disappointed you in any way. I know I frustrate you when I stumble and trap myself in the darkness. Because you always believe in me and you like to see me grow bigger and stronger.

That makes me feel perhaps it’s the same the other way round too. As broken as we both are, I am also sorry that I have not been with you regardless of what you’ve gone through, the ups or the downs. I know how it feels to disappoint someone and yourself, the feeling of just wanting to run away from love because you feel you don’t deserve it. But no matter how terrible we feel about ourselves, it still doesn’t change the fact that the other person still believes in you, and is waiting for you to realise that you can become more than who you are now and go further than where you are at today.

For the past few days I’ve felt stuck because I somehow know I am loved, by you and God and many others. But I don’t want to accept it, and I don’t know how I can accept it. But perhaps the first step to respond to this underserving love is to love yourself. Forgive yourself because you are radically forgiven in love. No matter how far you've gone, there's always someone with an open arm waiting for you to turn back and accept to be loved.

I am still in the pain of not forgiving myself. But someday I’d like to give you a big smile again like I always did, and be a sweet person to you. But at the same time I'd want to just cry together with you if that's how you're feeling like.

💔 -> ❤️‍🩹

Call me if you feel like to.