Fear is one of the most intense feelings that I experience among many of my overwhelming emotions. That's probably why my defense mechanism usually would tell me to avoid my fear by distracting myself until I can no longer escape from it and have a complete breakdown. That's what I've been experiencing recently.
I talked about how scared I am about coming back to HK because of all the uncertainties, trauma, wounds, and people I have to face again after escaping for 9 months. I had 'put aside' that fear for 2 weeks as I swamped myself with the overloading work and school assignments (trust me when I said I 'swamped' myself, you can check with Jojo how crazy it's been haha), until I suddenly realized that my flight to HK was in less than a week.
The fear is real and intense. It's out of my control. Once again I thought I was about to die and the only thing that could relieve me from myself is drugs. I said to God that I don't want to go back. I am not ready. This is too difficult for me can he please not make me do it. I cried so hard and called for relief.
I couldn't function so I played back last week's online service of Island ECC (the church I attend in HK). The pastor used this Bible verse to draw an end to his talk:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
It stood out to me because earlier that day this verse came across in the Bible app (that I shared with you in another post) as the verse of the day. That time I didn’t think much about it because I always felt this verse is so commonly used to ‘advertise’ the heaven to non-Christians. But when that pastor or that Bible app talked about this verse, neither of them focused on the ‘eternal life’ but the immense love of God that he gave his one and only son.
At that moment I could feel as if God was saying to me that He loves me so so much and cares for me so much that I don't have to be scared of anything because he will make sure that I will be okay.
Then that night I was reading the Bible using another app and the theme of that day was how to overcome fear. Below are some of the words from the author and the verse quoted that spoke directly to my soul.
Among all of them, perhaps this stroked my heart the most: Sometimes Jesus calms the storm. But sometimes he lets the storm rage and he calms you.
He did calm me that day.
I believe He is in every detail of our lives when we open our hearts to let him speak to us. I mean...there are 31,102 verses in the Bible and endless themes that these pastors can pick to talk about. How is this a coincidence?? lol
I share it with you because this is perhaps the only amazing thing that's been happening in my life — God revealing just in time when I have no way to carry on. I hope this inspires and encourage you in its unique way.
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