Hey dear,
I don't even know how to start this. I am writing to you to let you know that I might really have decided to disappear for awhile until perhaps when I get better (if I ever). I very much don't want to stop writing to you, but I feel that I am just really really broken inside that I have to shut myself from the world.
I feel lonely. I am physically lonely because I live alone and I only have one friend who lives in central London but she doesn't know my story at all. I am emotionally lonely because I don't think there is anyone in this world who actually understands how much I am going through. Do you know how it feels to cry for at least an hour everyday and it doesn't even matter because no one's gonna know anyway. So I just let myself cry and cry until I am tired and have no more tears.
I feel disappointed. At first I still tried to keep contact with some friends and maybe call them once in awhile. But when people start to reply less frequently, I know that I am getting more detached. I mean I get that, people have their lives too. Mostly busy and happy lives. And it's only me who's here crying and grieving all day long when everyone's trying to move on and live a life. To make myself feel easier, I stopped looking at Instagram unless I have to.
Am I disappointed at you? Maybe. For a long time I feel the only thing that kept me holding on was writing to you and knowing that you do read them. Do you know that the first thing I do every morning is to open the app to see if you have read the latest blog, and then I'll look at your 'work' Instagram to see if there's any activity. That's the only way that I can feel you are 'with' me. But it also hurts at the same time to know that that's all I get. No other updates, no response, no good surprise.
For that few people who I feel still care about me, that include you, my brother, and probably my mom, I don't want to tell you guys how bad it's been because I don't want you guys to worry about me. So it actually took me a lot of courage (and tears) to write this to you.
I am trying to not make this read like my last words, but I do think I am really really mentally sick. I don't think this world needs me and I don't want this website to become a place where I just spread all my negativity to you. That's why I think the best that I can do is to disappear for awhile. Because honestly, is it even important how my life has been?
I don't even know if this still means anything to you, but even till this point of my life when I don't even know what 'living a life' means, I still love you very much. There isn't a single day that I don't spend at least 30 minutes thinking about and praying for you. You are never abandoned or forgotten, even if you forget about me or no longer loves me. I will never give up on you. Never, as long as there's still anything that I can do for you. But sadly, it doesn't seem like there's anything more that I can do for you without knowing what's going on, and I feel terrible about this.
I am sorry if this letter makes you feel sad. I never want anyone who cares about me to feel sad for me, especially you. I hope you forgive me for being vulnerable.
Just in case if you decide to look for me one day (you are the only person who I am open to be found by), you know where to find me in person or online:
Instagram: msiumailau
Email: hanalauhoiman@gmail.com
WhatsApp/Signal: My HK old number
Sorry Andy, but remember that I love you.
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