Hello my favourite, how has your week been?
Today marks the official end of my Master study — submitted my dissertation and did my presentation. A few classmates and I went to a pub afterwards to celebrate (what an English thing to do, pub on a friday lol).
It still kinda feels unreal that this has finally come to an end. Afterall, it has not been an easy year. In fact, the past one year has probably been the toughest one for the 26 years of my life. What makes it the toughest was it was not even a rollercoaster of ups and downs, but just a constant low for the whole full year. That is what made it even more unbelievable that I actually pulled it through.
I forgot how many times I considered quitting the degree, not because of how difficult it was but that it did feel like a lower priority to me compared with all the other struggles I have. I often imagined what if one day I just suddenly disappeared at school what would happen haha. But that's also exactly why I felt super grateful for how 'manageable' school life has been compared to all the other areas of my life.
I had a very tough time during my bachelor because I was surrounded by elites in an extremely competitive and harsh environment. And you know me well enough that, I don't feel good enough to just 'get a pass'. At the same time I struggled super hard to blend in to that YOLO uni culture and was also too insecure to just be 'different'. I think I was pretty traumatised by that 4 years and it really was like 'I couldn't wait to leave this place and never come back.'
But whilst I've been struggling with even worse mental issues in the past year than I was back in bachelor, the classmates I have in this Masters are the exact kind of classmates that I needed. They are nice and warm, never forceful yet inclusive. I never felt pressured to reveal my true self (the very broken me) in order to get along or socialise with them. That's perhaps what I needed sometimes, to 'leave behind' all the stories that I've been carrying and engage with the world.
Will I miss school/the past one year? Probably not. It's still the scariest journey I've had in my life mentally, and I still feel I might not ever recover from it.
But depsite of that, I am still thankful to God for everything he has prepared and taken care of for me at school. I see this as God's grace in my greatest weaknesses.
Miss you loads. I am still super tired and will take time to recover. It's getting colder here now, it feels like December in HK. And I am not sure if I like it because it starts reminding me of my birthday and Christmas last year and I am extremely scared of that loneliness.
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