Ever since I left Meyer, I’ve never been around Kwun Tong. Mainly because I don’t have to go there, but also I guess I’ve been unconsciously avoiding that area because I am scared that I can be triggered.
Last week, there was one day that I passed by Kwun Tong Road when I was on a bus. Images of all the memories about us flashed back as I looked at different spots along both sides of the streets. I guess with the music I was playing, I started tearing up. It was so overwhelming that it scared me and I thought to myself maybe I should never visit Kwun Tong area again because everything here reminds me of you and the fact that you are no longer around.
And then earlier today, I was meeting Jenny for lunch at APM. I thought of telling her that I am sorry but I don’t think I can make it because I don’t think I am gonna feel good about walking around APM. But I knew it’s gonna be the last time I meet her before I leave so I went anyway.
The time with her was pleasant (as usual), what I thought would really struggle me was to walk around APM alone before and after meeting her. It’s like every step I make, every spot I look at, reminds me of something good in the past that I can never go back to. I walked pass Blooms, Five Guys, Toast box, each escalator that I took but without you behind me. And I just had this haunting fear that I would actually bump into you.
But instead of breaking down and avoiding this feeling again, this time I chose to pluck up the courage to face what felt traumatic to me. I took a deep breath, kept my head straight up, opened my eyes big enough to look firmly at everything in front of me. As I walked around, I started to feel stronger and stronger even though the memories still flash back. And that is when I finally got it, to stand in peace in front of what scares me.
You know sometimes we see things as traumatic that we can’t help but escape from facing them because we think the emotions are too overwhelming to digest. But it doesn’t mean we can never getover these ‘trauma’. We just need to keep trying until we are able to cope with these fear.
I share this with you because I thought it would be inspiring for you to find your internal strength when you need it. I obviously don’t know what state you are at as you are reading this, but I just hope to let you know that you are never alone and there’s always someone who doesn’t stop caring about you.
You know what I miss the most amongst everything? That you lied on my lap and I would hold you very tight and look at every details of your face with a smile and then stroke every inch of your body.
Spotted the blue sky this evening after days of raining :)
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