How are you, Andy? I miss you a lot. This is how I look when I miss you at night.
Work has been pretty tough lately, and it is stressing me out a little. I will actually be on a business trip to Thailand (25/10-30/10) and Singapore (30/10-4/11) next week. It's a total of 11 days...
It probably sounds more exciting than it actually feels for me. At first it would be only me going, but now Siuham actually will join me for the first few days in Thailand. I am not sure if that's better than going alone for me, because she has been panicking and I will have to take care of her like a big sister.
Also as you know my 'history' with Singapore. I am not sure if I am mentally ready to step into that piece of land again after few years of breaking up. Not that I'm holding on to anything in that relationship, I just worry that it will further trigger my loneliness. I am not sure if I want to tell Sree as well, especially with what happened with that guy. I don't think Sree will do anything to me, but I just want to stay away from anything that might trigger my wounds.
So overall, I think this trip is not going to be easy for me mentally. This hasn't even considered the stress from work.
I am also in a dilemma now. Meyer is now offering two options for my next contract after I finally agreed with the salary arrangement:
A 6-month contract (like now)
A permanent role (like before) but with a change of title from 'Project Consultant' to 'Project Lead'
Obviously the 2nd option might seem to be a career advancement, but they are also hinting to want me to stay for longer term with some other terms that come along with the 2nd offer.
I was almost thinking to take the 2nd option but the more I think, the more the title change scares me away. I am not sure if I am ready to take up the name 'Project Lead' for the biggest global business initiative (Disney) in this company. I know the title change probably won't change what I do now on a daily basis. But it does stress me out a bit too much when I imagine the expectation implied in that title.
I was very overwhelmed to make a decision when I was showering. The truth is, as you know, none of these truly matter to me. My mental state doesn't allow me to properly figure out what's 'better' for my future.
But at the same time I suddenly realized, I didn't even notice I have pushed through this far, despite all the mental struggles I've had in the past year. From being a PM who manages content creation projects for a brand team, to completing a masters degree, to stepping up to manage a truly global project (beyond just brand but also sales, products and everything) with Disney being my business partner, 'bossing' all the managers in our markets.
Now they are trying to call me a Lead, not just a Manager/Consultant. I am doing business trips alone and not only that, but also bringing along the greener one.
Siuham today said to me, 'You might have faked it, but you really are very brave.' She is so right. God knows how much I have faked it in the past one year. Those countless moment that I am all collapsed on the inside, yet still trying to push it though on the outside.
And you know what, that very vulnerable, needy, long for love little Hannah never really left. She has always been inside me, and I know she will still be there even if I grow on the outside and become a director (or whatever) when I am 50.
When I realized that during my cry in the shower, I told myself: Silly you. You know no matter what you choose, you are still going to be fine eventually. Look at how far you've come along. If you feel you're not ready for that title yet, it's okay to let it go. God will eventually take you to where you can be, without you even realizing. That will be the day when you've learn to become the ultra brave Hannah while keeping the little Hannah inside.
The little Hannah inside misses you very much Andy.
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