My brother suddenly told me that he wants to go to Japan on 31/12-7/1. At first he said he is going alone. But I found it suspicious because he is never the kind who craves for vacation and the trip is so last minute. So I strongly suspected that he is going with that girl (her name is Sammi).
I felt so agitated that my brother tried to lie to me, especially when his lying skill is so poor. Then I tried to ask more and he suddenly said he's actually not going alone because he will meet a friend there. I got even more agitated because it felt like a lie covering another lie.
I went to shower and kept thinking about if I should continue to 'pretend' that I believe him. But there's a voice in my heart that said, if I felt so hard to 'swallow' my suspicions and worried abour his old Iying habits, I should be courageous to ask and confront my doubts.
So I asked him if he's actually going with Sammi, he said no. Then 5 minutes later, he went into my room and started sharing. He said it's actually because he saw his ex girlfriend's posts of going to Japan alone, and he has some complicated feelings.
As I asked him more questions, he shared that it reminds him they used to say they would go to Japan together after covid. Even though he can tell from her posts that she is happy, he feels sad that he isn't there with her. He also feels guilty because he only realises now that she probably suffered a lot from his immaturity at their early years, and it was too late for him to compensate.
But he also said he likes Sammi a lot and Sammi really likes him too. He said it's the first time he truly experiences how it feels to be so deeply liked by somebody. So he doesn't like himself when he suddenly feels unsure if he is ready before he gets together with Sammi.
I told him I think it is normal that he feels conflicted. After all, they were together for 7 years. It is totally sensible that those memories still cause feelings even over a long time and it still feels like that she matters. He doesn't have to dislike himself because of that.
I told him perhaps instead of thinking of how to 'get rid of' her in his mind, he can take this trip to think about moving forward, what 'place' he would like to put this ex in his heart, and take this as a process of closing this chapter of his ex. My brother looked teary after I responded to him.
I sometimes feel quite scared when someone opens their hearts to me, because it can trigger my emotions too and it's hard to hold it within me while I want to genuinely respond to that person.
For this time, I had a rough cry secretly after my brother left. I am glad that I was courageous enough to confront him and lead him to share his struggles. I am also glad that I could make him feel better.
But I just wish I could say the same thing that he said as well — I really like someone and that someone really likes me too. I wish I could be this 'easy' to share what I am going through internally. Also, now even he isn't going to be home with me for new years eve.
I guess my bitterness is, I am glad to be people's blessing. I don't mind that. But I struggle to see mine in similar ways. I don't understand and I cry really hard every time because of that.
That's my sharing for today. I will learn to recover. Sorry that I don't have photos today because I don't look very good.
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