Apple pie

Hey.

Gone a little quiet in the past few days, mainly because I have been a bit overwhelmed…by myself I guess? It may just be my PMS (yeah let’s blame the hormones), or I’m just being me.

I have been feeling a lot, but it’s just I somehow don’t really know what to write to you. Perhaps it’s because I am not good at maintaining a connection that can feel one-sided, when I wouldn’t know your reactions or responses to what I have posted, and the best that I can do is look at the views on each post. The feeling of helplessness is just very strong when I can’t have a grip on you. It does feel like I am losing you even though it’s not really true because I never truly had you that way anyway.

So I just spent a lot of time in the past few days to give myself the space to accept my feelings, understand them, and ask all these questions that I have for myself and God. After a lot of prayers, tears, and a (love) letter to myself, I gradually feel slightly easier to cope with myself.

I love and hate that I am dealing with this all by myself (literally, I haven’t spoken to a single person about how I have been feeling in the past two weeks). I love that I don’t need anyone’s words to make me feel better. I also love that I can hear my heart the clearest when there’s no other people’s voices or pov in my head. But on the other side, I hate the lonely feeling of not having someone really close to my heart who understands my feelings and is willing to be with me when I am in my cave. I hate that I feel unloved especially when I know it’s not true. But I guess it’s only at moment like this when we feel loneliest, we get to learn about ourselves and love ourselves a little bit more.

I never stopped believing. Not for a second that I give up on believing in the things that I have told you — that you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, that both of us can be strong, and that God has prepared something far greater than what I can imagine at this moment for both of us. You can imagine I say this to you while hugging you really tight.

No words can express how I feel because I am a ball of emotions. But perhaps music helps a little. That’s why I’ve been only posting songs. Sorry they (including the following one) are full of imperfect tones and wrong lyrics haha, I am sharing them with you only anyway so I gave up making them too perfect because otherwise it would not be not very realistic. I hope you find love and comfort and strength.