Battles

I couldn't sleep the whole night, thinking about my flight schedules. For the past few days, I have been looking at mainly two slots: 29/12 - 2/2 or 11/1 - 7/2. It's going to be a relatively long trip because the tickets are cheaper that way (particularly these specific dates) and I do have multiple places to go.

I almost opted for 29/12-2/2 because Edwin told me that he can possibly spend 31/12 - 3/1 with me.

Initially I said okay, because at least I know someone would be with me during new year. But my heart didn't feel right and I couldn't sleep the whole night.

I know it is not right to spend nights with him again. It's even worse that it is the countdown and new year. I am tempted because I know even if I will be in HK that time, it's highly likely I will spend that night alone. (Still remember how Neil ditched me last minute the year before. I never had friends who would spend countdown with me.)

I was so ready to fully convince myself that I might as well go to the UK earlier and at least he can be my company. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe we'll both behave. I even told myself that, I am already choosing to be in HK during my birthday and Christmas. So I am not 'running away', right?

But then I thought about you. Even though I don't know where you'll be by that time. I also don't even know if there's even a slight chance that we can somehow be connected by the end of the year. And I know you don't like to celebrate birthday. But my mind tends to be FLOODED by thoughts about you around that few days (yes. I still don't know the exact date of your birthday. I am guessing it's 4/1.)

I want you know that for you, I want to make the right choice, even though it is the harder one. Finding substitute and blinding my own eyes can feel easy. But I can't betray my heart and my heart doesn't want to betray you.

I have been reflecting a lot on whether I actually like Edwin or not. In the end my answer is, I might be quite drawn to him, but I don't actually like him that way, and I won't eventually love him either.

I am starting to understand that, perhaps I can like a lot of guys, I am needy in nature. But love should be more than just wanting that person to give you what you want and satisfy what you desire. It's about the courage to make the right but tough choices for the good of the other person, and the depth of your heart for that person to endure pain and disappointment, because there will always be flaws in our love.

Edwin is like a Neil to me. I should have learned my lesson, but clearly I have not learned enough.

But despite seeing myself failing and failing again, I am also trying and trying to make it right again whenever I am given choices in front of me.

I miss you. I hope you know that there're tough battles in my mind and heart. But I am constantly trying hard.