It's Christmas.
I am sorry if I troubled you with my negative words. I thought I'd rather be honest.
I am afraid that I might have to write less here because I seem to be getting more sick. I have lost count of how often I cry or what I did during the day. Aside from all the crying, I shiver with hand shakes and I have palpitations all the time, day and night. I have to spend all my energy every single second just to stay alive. I know I should probably seek doctor, but as you know nothing opens during Christmas here. All these pain and suffering make me feel really exhausted, and I have to stop doing everything else and focus on fighting those suicidal thoughts and keep living.
I hope you find your clarity and courage soon, Andy. Do it for my sake please, just as I choose not to kill myself for the people who love me. I believe in you. I never stop believing despite how disappointed I can get sometimes. And I will never give up on you. I don't need you to be whatever, I love you as you are. No matter how hard and painful it is, I will wait for you.
This season is about love. So I wish you hope and peace among everything this world and everyone else gives you this Christmas, my dearest. I hope you understand the depth and meaning of this blessing from someone who lives in the lowest valley and darkest shadow.
Love you,
Hannah
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