Hey my dear, how's your week been? I saw that you posted a photo at your work Instagram. I am so glad to 'hear' from you even it's only a post, makes me feel that you're alive out there. It's a nice shot, full of your character. Have I ever told you that you're my favourite photographer/videographer? Like all time favourite :)
This post is going to be a little bit longer than the usual posts, as I finally have the courage to write a bit more about myself. I hope you find time to read this.
First of all, I want to thank you for reading my posts for the past 4 months ever since you left, no matter they are good or bad, sweet or bitter. It must not be easy to absorb all the words that I wrote. Even though perhaps because you are busy or other reasons, you seem to read these less frequently, I know that it's not easy for you to maintain this habit for so long, so I am just really grateful that you have been doing this over the past 124 days. It means a lot to me to know that there is always this listener out there, even he can't be physically here with me.
Life's not been easy, and I didn't want to admit it because I have never seen something this dark within myself and I am very scared, by myself. The simplest word to describe this is probably depression. I'm not clinically diagnosed, but for a person who's cried for 1-2 hours each time, 5-6 times a week, in the past 6 weeks, I'm sure no one would say he/she's just sad.
Why do I cry? There are million reasons. It can be because I feel lonely, isolated, anxious, or scared. But also because I feel grateful or touched or encouraged, like when a stranger on the street smiled at me, or when I prayed, or when I see the blue sky. It's just crazy that I basically cry whenever I feel something.
I also seem to be suffering from this symptom called 'morning depression'. On a typically day without school, it might take me 2-3 hours to get up and start my day after waking up. I'd play rounds of games on my phone, lie there doing nothing, and cry as I struggle to find a reason to get up.
It is exhausting, not to mention my long term puffy eyes, and it is overwhelming. Very soon I know that this is a battle that I have to face by myself. It's not because you hurt me or my parents made me stressed or my friends didn't check in with me. It is something within me that needs to be sorted.
At those lowest breaking points when I feel I just can't tolerate anymore and that I am all alone in this giant dark hole, I just pour myself out and pray to God. I tell Him how difficult this is, how unwilling I am to go through this, how desperate I am to be rescued. I remember asking God why don't you take my life sooner if heaven is so good and all I feel now is suffering.
In the midst of this, God responded my prayers through songs and the Scriptures, giving me subtle and just enough comfort to get through each breakdown. I grew up being told by everyone that you are a strong girl so you are good. But I feel like this time, God is trying to teach me that maybe I really am not as good as I thought, and He wants me to see how tiny I am so that I'll learn to rely on Him. One of the verses that really speaks to me these days:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me... For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I still suffer. I still feel lonely at times, I still feel suffocated by my drowning emotions. But I am now more willing to look forward to what I will gain from this season.
As for you, I know I asked about if I can see you in December. I obviously don't know what you think about it. But I know that even though I really really (x n times) want to see you, if you really can't for whatever reasons, I will eventually learn to understand that it is just still not the right time yet.
Sorry for being very long air, I had to pull myself together to write this because I feel overwhelmed even when I just think about my circumstance.
Love you and miss you, my favourite Andy. (Big hugs)
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