Hannah's first time seeing snow! The snow did lift my spirit up a little bit, but also made my lonely feeling stronger.
Recently, I figured out an easier way to describe how I feel:
It's like there is a huge, scary monster within me, who will come out and cry nonstop without good reasons whenever I try to touch her. Over time it becomes harder and harder to control her, even if I don't touch her, she'll still come out. I have to wait till the monster feels tired enough to disappear, so that I can calm down again.
The monster is actually the sensitive, little Hannah. She's been suppressed and hidden for too long that she has to turn into a scary monster in order to be heard. I guess what saddens me is realising how I have been ignoring her for years and pretending that she no longer exists because 'I've grown up'. And because it's been so long, I no longer knows how I can calm her down or what she actually wants.
A friend told me that I need to give this monster some time and let her take over control for awhile. And then I can try to have more conversations with her when she's calmer. So that's why now whenever she comes out, I'll just try my best to bear the overwhelming pain, in hope that I'll understand her better over time.
The reason I share this with you again is I want you to know that, my whole depression condition is NOT because of you. During some of my breakdowns, I asked myself 'Would all be okay again if Andy was here?', the answer is no. It is something that I can only sort out within myself, by having conversations with myself, until I hear what every part of my heart has to say.
I think that monster Hannah really likes you though, just the same as me, because you are always willing to bear with her. I remember someone once said that people might forget what you did or said to them over time, but they will never forget how you make them feel. Indeed, every time I think about you, I won't remember the details of the black ginger tea story, but I'll always remember how you make me feel cared, listened, and loved. But I can't just leave that responsibility of taking care of little Hannah to only you. If I want to continue to live in the world, I better sort out how to co-live with little monster Hannah.
Phew, that was very long-air. But I just want to make sure you don't put the blame on yourself. I myself am the cause of my depression. Of course your presence and support will always be a huge comfort for me on this journey. But I know I shouldn't count on anyone to overcome this.
Love you, miss you. very much.
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