My meeting with Vincent today was 5.5 hours long, 2:30-8:00pm. I presented most of the time. There were only him, Howe, Raunaq, and Coey. After that Jojo had the chance to 'force' me to drive her home and had dinner. I was already so tired to fake it, but none of those matters anymore.
My mom told me when she came home that my aunt (her sister)'s sister in law jumped out the window and passed away yesterday. She had depression. My mom said my cousins are really sad and guilty, especially one of them witnessed it.
I barely knew her in person, but this triggered me. I suddenly remember those episodes I have had and feel like reliving them. I remember how it felt when I almost decided to do it, and when I thought of my parents and brother, how sorry I felt when I knew they would be heartbroken and guilty. But I fully understand why she did it and how painful to make her choice, I really do.
I immediately went back to my room to pretend I am sleeping, but I've actually been crying terribly. It might also be because of how long today has been. (I already wanted to cry half way through the meeting.) Maybe my mom shouldn't have told me about the news. But I can't blame her because she doesn't know about me. No one does.
I wish I could talk it out with someone I fully trust like you. I need someone to tell me it's not me who jumped out the window. Those thoughts are scary. I still want to wait till I see you.
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