Day 4 of 6

I started getting these gut wrenching feelings that feel like homesick since yesterday, especially in the morning and night.

I am also struggling with my moodiness. Sometimes I feel so at ease with Edison that I chat with him about all kinds of random and unfiltered stuff. But just as I get more and more comfortable, I would suddenly be pulled by the other side of me that is refusing all these, asking me to keep an emotional distance from him and not be tricked by how nice he has been treating me.

I feel baffled by myself and I kinda just want to go home or be alone. I guess that’s where that gut wrenching feeling comes from.

Yesterday towards the end of the day, I started to feel really hungry with a stomachache at 6:30pm, but he’s been in a meeting. I told him I need to get food soon but he’s still stuck. I couldn’t help but start becoming hangry.

You know better than anyone how that grumpy, hangry Hannah acts like. I didn’t mean to turn into that in front of him but I just can’t manage my moodiness. I think he noticed and he started rushing to leave the factory after his call, then he took me to a super relaxing Thai food place where each table is in the middle of a pond, and he over-ordered a full table of food.

You can even lie down at your seat with your shoes taken off. I don’t know why I had a flush even I didn’t drink any alcohol.

This is how the restaurant setting is like. I feel like I am so spoiled, almost as if this is a date. But I know that’s not his intention at all. We didn’t even talk much during the dinner. He is taking me here only because of the food and vibe he enjoys. That’s so Edison, just like how he would drive me to the beach but didn’t mean anything.

I know I just need to cope with all these illusions internally. But at the same time my mind is already so messy because I don’t know what to do with the Chinese doctor. He isn’t even doing anything to me but the desperate side of me wants him to even knowing that he’s probably not a good guy.

I miss you, Andy. I think I really need you.