Last Friday, I had my last session at school which was a 1 on 2 with my teachers. I still have a capstone project to present in mid September, but I won't have classes anymore. Perhaps schoolwork was never too challenging to me compared to everything else, but this year has not been easy. Can't believe that I actually made it through my school days here. From autumn to the miserable winter, to spring and to summer again. (It's sooo warm today!)
I still remember that you said maybe one day I'll see a familiar face in a cafe in Kingston. I guess that's not happening in the end after all. One of the many things that I had to learn this year is to face the disappointment I have accumulated about the world after all these years. Friends, family, people at work...it's not just you. I was so used to looking for substitutes whenever I felt disappointed or unsatisfied because I am scared of the sadness the emptiness brings me. Until I set out on this lonely journey this year, and I am forced to realize there really is no substitute that is enough for me.
My teachers told me that I not only pass the PM certificate exam, I scored the highest in class. They laughed at how I have been doing so well that I got A or B+ for all my assignments but I have a 'dip' which is a B...(honestly, how is a B a 'dip'??) I seem to be an outstanding student to them, but deep down I know that none of these are really me because the real me just cry ALL DAY, haha. I know that God has been exceptionally gracious and merciful that he carried me through this journey bit by bit and I wouldn't have done all these without him.
Recently I have this feeling that this 'season' I have been in is coming to an end. It almost feels like God is saying to me that you have understood what I wanted you to learn in this season and you are ready now for the next. I have no idea what the next season is. I am also too scared to imagine how tough it may be.
I am learning to accept maybe the miserable depression, loneliness, and suicidal hopelessness are not something that I can walk out from in a foreseeable timeframe. But I think I am getting better at trusting in God's timing and guidance, and throwing my worst and best thoughts to him.
Today is sooo hot here, and one thing I like about living alone is I can wear whatever I like hehe. Here is me with my clothes half taken off and lazying on my sofa bed after church:
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