Dear Andy,
It’s been 57 days since we last met. You haven’t read my post as regularly as before, and I wonder why. Maybe you’ve been really busy with your family, or you’re going through some difficult times. Or maybe my life isn’t as interesting anymore, and my content starts to be repeating and it’s getting boring for you. Or maybe I just pop up in your mind less and less over time. I guess I will never be able to find out why by myself, or I am just too afraid to know the reason behind.
Life has not been easy. Adapting to a new place is not easy. I miss feeling comfortable and safe. I miss having someone I could rely on so that I can sometimes be weak too. I miss having someone who could still cheer me up even when I almost broke down. I miss how I could laugh over my problems because as least I felt like I was not alone.
The very best I can do everyday is to ignore the voice in my heart, because that’s the only way that I’d stop crying and try to spend my day on doing something. Every time I feel I can’t do it, I’d tell myself that it’s totally normal to feel this way and I will feel better over time.
But I just can’t stop asking, is there any other way that this can feel just slightly less difficult, even just for a bit? Why can’t God make this slightly less unbearable, is this the only way for things to work out eventually?
I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this, but sometimes there are days that you just feel: Nothing is going right. And you try to comfort yourself that things will get better eventually, you just need to persevere. But day by day you just get lower and lower. I haven’t even started school, and I am already feeling timid.
I remembered you used to tell me that I am the strongest person you’ve known. Maybe I’m not. Or maybe I am, but I am just still not strong enough to deal with the big mess Hannah.
The only I have left is my Faith, something that I can cast my heart on. The words in the Bible are my only comfort when no one is comforting me. It’s the only reason that, as difficult as it is, I am still trying. To believe that life will get better one day.
Sometimes I feel I might just die of loneliness 😂 It seems to be the most legitimate reason for my death, as least mentally.
I don’t know. Feels like I am running out of ways to save myself. And who else can I be honest with about how vulnerable I am but you who I never stop thinking about?
By the very little timid Hannah living inside the shell of 👇🏻
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