Diary: Back to Meyer

April 26, 2023

It's been 3 weeks since I came back, but I haven't visited the office even everyone's asked. As my trip almost comes to an end, I thought I can just make an excuse that I've been too busy to drop by and I can work from home. But Vincent said he wants to say hi to me, and I guess in the entire world, only he has the power to summon me back 😅 So I figured I'll just 'obey' the order.

In fact, my time here hasn't been as good as everyone would imagine. The truth is I am still depressed most of the time, I still struggle to figure out my desire or comprehend any kind of earthly goodness. It makes me even more stressed knowing I am supposed to be 'closer' to the world now that I am here, and I should be 'wanting' to meet that person or eat that food or do that thing, but I just still have no desire of anything unfortunately.

The only thing that helped me get through the past 3 weeks was knowing that God sent me back so my trip shouldn't be a mistake. Even though I still don't fully understand why but I know one of the reasons he wants me to do is to show up in people's lives. So as much as I hide in my room most of the days pretending that I am working, I convinced myself to ocassionally get out of the door after all the internal wrestling. I tell myself that these people want to meet me, God wants me to meet them, that's why I show up. Even though I really don't want to, I will try myself to smile and be there.

This was the mindset I carried when I went back to the office today. Not gonna lie, the strongest feeling was:

I really miss you.

I stood here and it reminded me that you like eating siumei rice, and that ocassion happy face you showed when you tried to annoy me 🐷.

You know that big building that was under construction? It's like 80% done! I still remember we talked about if we'll still be working in Meyer by the time the building is completed because there might be nice coffee shop there.

I passed by flash coffee, I passed by the hotel that we stayed together. I do really miss you.

You know with the state that I'm in, not much actually feel important to me anymore. But one thing that feels clear to me today was, I am no longer the same Hannah as before.

I may appear to be weaker and more emotionally fragile than before, but I am also more courageous than I used to be.

To me, living is a pain, yet I am still tolerating every second and trying to figure out how best to live out a life that will leave some impact to the others, even the world always seems to be hurtful and disappointing to me.

Because of that I am able to social with Vincent for 15 minutes alone and make the whole office laugh, I am able to comfort my brother who just broke up, I am able to take my (annoying) dad out for food. I live my every day in suffering but in hope that God will deliver me and show me his goodness someday.

Miss you very much.