.

I punish myself again. I let him touch me again and I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Lucky for me, turns out it seems like he didn't want to have sex with me, because he would have all the chances yet he didn't. He also doesn't like me at all, he just wants to touch me and I let him. I am so terrible that it almost seemed like I was the one who wanted more rather than him, as if he is the good guy and I am the bad girl. There's zero emotional connection between us. He clearly doesn't like me at all, yet I allowed him to do whatever even knowing that I won't get any love from him.

It's ridiculous that I had such a good dinner with my only friend here last night, and I pretended everything was fine. She had no idea where I was going to and what I was gonna do.

I am flying back to HK tonight, dragging my physically and mentally broken body back. But all I wanted is to hurt myself in every possible way. I feel like anyone who comes to me offering ways to hurt me, I would take it. I am so terrible and I don't like myself.