First post of 2026

hello dear, how are you? How’s been for your first 2 days of 2026? Miss you :(

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday, my PMS this time has been really bad. I have been really uncomfortable physically and also having mood swings since 31/12. I just feel a lot all the time even over the smallest things, and wanting to cry but can’t really cry it out :( It’s one of the worst feelings for me.

Yesterday, on the first day of this year, I cleaned my car for the very first time by myself. I was really looking forward to it, but I guess the timing wasn’t that good because my PMS made me really tired, it’s also my first time properly cleaning my car, so it took me so long, like almost 3 hours. I don’t even think I did a super good job, but I basically felt dead after cleaning the car. I only woke up with muscle pain this morning :( but I guess it is still a new year “achievement” for me, and I hope I’ll learn to do better over time.

And today, I had to work from home, and my period finally came. I actually still feel really unwell, but my church care group was doing a christmas/new year gathering tonight, and I know they prepared a cake for me, so I had to join them.

I was so not in the state for socialising. And when people asked me what I did for my birthday and christmas, my mind was blanked. I also wasn’t sitting around with the few people that I’m more familiar with, so it felt a bit awkward for me. It was towards the end of the dinner, I moved to the other side of the table, and I told my friend who introduced me to Joao that we are no longer meeting. They immediately asked me why and how it happened. I didn’t want to be too harsh, so I just told them that I figured we aren’t suitable for each other and he isn’t in a good season to start a relationship anyway. People asked me if I feel sad, I said not really about closing this chapter, but more that he still hasn’t replied my long message and it feels a bit impolite.

I left the gathering with a mixed feeling. Everyone there came as a pair of couple except me. In fact, one of them just got engaged over christmas. On one hand, it feels a bit odd for me to be there, especially when they talk a lot about their couple lives. But also at the same time, I genuinely feel fine to be single and not seeing anyone at the moment. They sounded like it’s a pity that Joao and I didn’t work out, but I actually feel so relieved that it’s come to an end, because I know he’s not right for me. And it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, I feel lonely at times too, but I also know so clearly in my heart what kind of person would be right for me, and how I want to be loved.

So all these thoughts do make me feel extra emotional I guess. Miss you, dear Andy. Not a lot of people truly know and understand me, but you always do. 🫂

Me going to wash my car yesterday

After cleaning:

The gathering tonight, I look sooo tired