Hello Andy, there's something that I've been wanting to share with you. I thought I'd wait till I can tell you face-to-face but it's just constantly on my mind so perhaps I can share it with you here first for now.
Remember that I told you in the letter that you don't have to carry your mistakes, guilt, and terrible feelings alone? I know it is hard to open up to anyone around you about your true thoughts and feelings. In fact, you probably deliberately choose not to do so — because I did the exact same too, for 8 whole months. It's the feeling that your story is just too tragic, that no one deserves to hear such a sad story, right?
You somehow know in your head that you SHOULD reach out for help and talk it out with someone, but you don't even have the strength to. Let me tell you, it's okay to not talk with anyone for now if you don't feel like it. I can offer you an alternative: You can try to tell Jesus about it.
I know you are not religious, you said to me before that you think God doesn't exist. But I just think if you really have no one to turn to or you don't want to burden anyone, He might be your best option, because God's either not real and you aren't really burdening anyone, or He's real and He's powerful and generous enough to absorb your sorrow — so there's no harm trying, isn't it?
You might remember that I once said I don't like sharing about my faith because it's deeply personal to me. I still feel uncomfortable doing so but I think God's changed my mind recently, not because I've become more religious, but because I've experienced so much about how God speaks and responds to me as I turn to Him again.
You may think that I have the privilege to access God because I am a Christian and I am somehow a good person. But that's not really true. One thing that I've realized is that religion is created by people. And people like to create all the dos and don'ts. The world tends to put this label on Christians that they are 'good' and 'kind' (or at least they SHOULD be). But in fact, Jesus did not come to the world for the 'good and kind' people, He came to save the sinners and the unsavable through His life, death, and resurrection. Even you feel condemned or guilty and you don't see yourself as worthy of love, regardless of who you are or what you've done, you are loved by God.
There was a period when I found it so hard to turn to God because I felt that I was so tragic and awful, I couldn't even pray to Him properly or confess my guilt. But God chased me down and told me: No matter how far you flee from me, how deep your cave is, I'll find you and meet you at where you are at, and I'll lift you up from there.
There's a parable in the Bible about a lost son. He asked his father who was still alive if he could have his inheritance. He then went away to squander all his money. He had nothing left to the point that he was gonna eat what he fed the pigs. He had nowhere to go so he had to go back home and beg for a job from his father. But all his father did was welcome him with open arms and kiss him, call a feast to celebrate his return.
I feel God's been prompting me to tell you: There is no sin too great for His grace, no wounds too deep for His healing, no pain too heavy for His love. I did ask God at one point: All these even if Andy is not a Christian, even if he has made mistakes and hurt people? And his answer to me is: Even he is not a Christian and he is like that lost son, he is still my creation. And I love him more than you do.
I remember you once said something like God won't be able to enter your life if you don't allow Him to. That's actually very true. Even though He is always available and waiting for us to turn to Him, He gives us free will to choose. So it is indeed up to us if we are willing to open our hearts. But I know that He's been watching over you all these years because your dad was a Christian, and it says in the Bible that God blesses the family and children of those who worship and believe in Him.
So I am just here to challenge you to try Him out. (Just like your crystals haha) You don't have to be a Christian to pray and talk to God or Jesus. See if He ever responds to you in any way.
The shortest verse in the entire Bible is 'Jesus wept.' In my most broken, loneliest moments, my only but also greatest comfort is knowing that Jesus sees me and feels my pain, and He cries with me. No matter how heavy your emotions are, He is big enough to absorb all of them.
A little secret here: my emotions and feelings for you are so overwhelming I can't actually talk about you with anyone verbally, except God. So if I could only choose ONE thing to give you Andy, it wouldn't be my stroke or hug or love because they will always be imperfect and insufficient, but the perfect love I experience from God. I genuinely believe He loves you more than I love you.
PS: I have so much more that I want to share with you but unfortunately I don't have the opportunity. So perhaps for now if you are curious or want to start somewhere, these are some of the readings that God used to speak with me and brought me comfort. If you download this Bible app, it should open these readings in the app! (Remember to choose the NIV Bible version, otherwise it'll read like English from 100000 years agooo)
Prayers for Hard Emotions
Near to the Brokenhearted
Healing What's Hidden
Dealing With Your Guilt
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