I came back

I came back to Hong Kong. Having jet lag so I am awake now at 4am.

I shed a lot of tears in the flight, thinking all that have happened in two weeks' time and just how quickly and easily I could derail myself. In the past few times, I always made sure I gave myself enough talk about all the back and forth travelling. But this time I didn't allow myself enough space for that because I've been too busy messing with myself, not to mention all the hard labor work of moving out that already exhausted me.

Now I feel like I don't know wtf I am gonna do now that I came back. All the transitions, changing environments, and people, it's just too overwhelming for me. Nothing feels familiar to me anymore, including myself. And then my depression began to creep in, asking why am I still alive here.

It feels so tough and I just want to keep running away from myself, do all those things that I know will eventually make me feel worse.

I remember when I asked you if you'd prefer me to be in HK or UK, you answered HK because you like to know that I am closer. Do you still think that way?

I miss you so much. I messed up so badly and I just wish you were here to remind me who I am and I can get things right again.

During my flight, I thought about why I am how I am now. Since I was small, I always felt that my mom loves my brother more than me. So I worked hard to proof myself, to be the 'better' one and thought that would bring me more attention and love.

I applied the same to everything else in life as I grew up. I did 150% at work because I want to be recognised. And among all the guys that I met, Sree was probably the only one who loved me and chose me. The rest (my crush at uni, this guy, Edison, Neil) never liked me enough despite how hard I tried to make them love me. They all chose someone else over me in the end. Similar happened between us. I never think you don't like me. But you were not ready and it was out of my control no matter how hard I tried.

Yet all I wanted is to feel loved. I tried so hard in every possible way to grasp it. I was so desperate that I even gave up my body to test if this guy likes me.

I have no conclusion. I just feel this is the next thing that God wants me to see in myself, possibly the biggest wound that I have. I still believe that he is the God who can bring healing no matter how big a wound is, but I just don't know how he's gonna do it. And I have run out of my own ways to heal myself.

Good night, Andy. Give me another hug one day, will you?