It was very nice to talk with you :)
I found the letter I mentioned that my dad wrote to me. It's written in 2005, so when I was 9!
The exact wording is that he hoped that I grow and mature sooner, and become a kind and loving girl who will be loved by others.
I wasn't comfortable to talk about it verbally with you earlier, that's why I want to elaborate here.
Even though my dad is not that figure whom I look up to, he's one of the people I feel most guilty about. I know I hurt him as I grow up and distance from him. The worst period of my relationship with him was when he was in the UK with me. I know I made him feel rejected and abandoned when I couldn't make him understand that I needed space.
So I really know how it feels to live in that guilty place, especially when you said you didn't mean to hurt anyone but you still did anyway. It does feel like it's something that you'll carry with for the rest of your life. I also said to myself things like, God wouldn't think that I was right to hurt my dad like that. God wouldn't reject and abandon my dad like I did. I wasn't able to face my dad for months. He wouldn't appear even when I facetime with my mom.
It actually was when I was writing my last words to each person, I remembered that letter that he wrote to me when I was 9. I realised the most important last word I wanted to leave to my dad is, I've always carried what he said to me and tried my best to live as a kind and loving girl. These days when I imagine that one day when he dies and watches me from heaven (yeah... I imagine things like that...), he'll smile and be proud that despite how hard it is, I still choose love and kindness at the end of the day.
That's why I leave you with this question to explore: Who do you think your dad would want you to be?
Remember it's not just what he wouldn't do, but what he would do and what characters in him that you look up to.
I'm very glad that I got to speak with you :)
I'll continue to pray for you that God will send more angels to your life as you need help, and he'll continue to give you peace and wisdom as you try to navigate through your circumstances and internal struggles.
Remember that I'm always just a call away if you ever need anyone to talk, love you
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