I want to record this 4d3n hospital journey and share with you :)
I was alone when I got called to go up to the ward because I told my parents to go have dinner. I was physically so weak and scared when I walked into the ward. I felt like crying every second especially when nurses asked me stuff. (Detailed version of this in another piece I posted lol)
Friday night and Saturday were still quite scary for me because I was still getting used to this place and doctor still hasn’t properly diagnosed my situation. I was still scared every time I got sent to do different kinds of tests even they are not supposed to be this scary. And for the rest of the time, I just slept, thought about life, cried a little, prayed, and wrote.
I was much more relieved when they told me that it was not appendicitis and it seems like the antibiotics are working, which means I won’t have to do surgery.
When I woke up on Sunday, I felt much better physically even doctor needed me to stay for another day. Then I attended church online. And Sunday service in a hospital just feels. so. different.
I’ve always enjoyed in person church service and felt so deeply recharged every time. But this week, attending it at a place where suffering and illness are all around, I could feel God’s strengthening power and hope shining through even deeper.
As I was listening to the worship songs they were singing, I was so overwhelmed by the hope that God wants me to experience. All of a sudden, I was being reminded of all the small little great things that I saw and experienced in the past few days here:
All the nice, warming nurses here, one even helped move away the mumbling por por opposite to me at night and muted all the equipment so that I could have a peaceful sleep.
One of the nurse looks so alike with my brother’s friend who’s always my favourite friend of him lol, made me feel so secured.
The suk suk at the CT scanning room who kept teasing me and asked if I lied when I said I haven’t had sexual activities recently lol, made me feel less nervous about the test I was gonna do.
The apple juice that I had after not being allowed to drink or eat for 3 days, tastes so. heavenly.
When I looked at the por por who kept mourning and mumbling and other patients who have been here for longer and seem more sick than me, all of the sudden I felt so overwhelmed to realise:
Being alive is already something enough to be grateful for.
That thankful feeling is sooo overwhelming that I just couldn’t stop crying (good kind of tears). I know I said silly things like I am scared and things are too difficult that I just want to give up so much. Even when I knew that I had to stay in the hospital, I was so defeated and I couldn’t help ask God: why?
But maybe God knows that at this point of my life, all I need is the ‘silence’ of being away from everything and everyone in the past few days, so that I can regain at least a bit of my internal strength as I rest. I know I am getting better day by day and I will recover fully one day.
Thank you for being my another source of strength too, Andy :) I hope you find your internal strength through the way too.
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