I have been stressing out in the past weeks because I can't decide what's next after I go back to London in mid Sep. Remember I asked you if you prefer me to be in HK or the UK, and I said you gave me the last piece of puzzle?
Before I spoke with you, I've been asking and praying about it, and I think both my mind and heart arrived at the answer that I should come back to HK, at least for the time being. My fear to come back is that I won't have enough space for my mental needs and I get easily stressed out by the pace and people here. I also (80%) lost my support group here and it makes me rather stay away from this place when I think about it. Then I have this unpredictable anxiety that I will bumped into your partner on the street. Overall, I just feel that being in HK makes me easily triggered in many ways.
But on the other side as I shared with you before, I have this sense that this season of being in exile is fulfilled and God wants me to rehabilitate by gradually re-entering and re-exploring the 'world' again, even though I may feel inadequate most of the time. And this is different from what people like to say 'start a new life in a new place'. To me, it means to face and restore the brokenness within me, to take courage to pick back up where I dropped and ran away from in fear and hurt a year ago, and this time, with all that I've learnt in the past one year, make things right again in the right ways. (Is this too deep too abstract? I like to keep it that way until I have chance to explain to you in person 🤍)
There're some other practical reasons why it 'makes more sense' that I move back for the time being (like my parents' plan etc). Also my rational mind tells me if my mental state gets really bad, I'll be physically safer that I don't live alone.
I said you are the last piece of the puzzle because, deep down I am still super scared to come back even my heart and mind know that should be the answer. Not saying that I lived a decent life in the UK in the past one year, but at least that style of living justifies my mental state. But when you said you like to know that I am close, it confirms my decision to be back because how can I choose to not stay as close as I can to the person I love the most?
So I've been looking at tickets (it's stressing me out because it's expensive) to plan out my moves after 5 Oct, that is when my lease ends. I am pondering if I should make a short trip to Europe before I come back. I will let you know when I make up my mind.
Meanwhile, just want to tell you that I really miss you.
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