Hey dear,
How are you? Sorry it's another long and honest write, but I hope you can read through it.
Ever since I came back, I've been feeling very 'stressed', but I can't really pinpoint exactly what's causing it. I know I say the phrase 'I feel like running away from life' a lot recently, but perhaps what I mean is...I don't know what I am doing.
I know that a season has ended as I finished my master's and decided to step out from a solitary life and move back for the time being. But as it ended and there has been no breakthrough in my situation, I entered a very confused and lost state. It led to a lot of questions I have for myself and God.
Why am I here in Hong Kong? How long more do I have to suffer from depression? When will I be able to at least say 'It's finally getting better'? How long more do I have to wait to see a change? Will Andy ever be with me eventually? Is he really the one? If he is not, will there ever be 'another' person who just miraculously shows up, who understands the whole of me yet still accepts and loves me, and I can feel equally connected and am willing to love wholeheartedly? Am I going to write to Andy forever till I am 50, will he still read? How long more do I have to be single? Will I be able to have child? Should I even have children? What is there for me in the future? What is my purpose if I am to live for another 40 years?
I remember you said that you don't like to think about the future. I guess we all are scared about the future to some extent. Unfortunately, I know I am the kind who will just stress out when I lose sight of the vision of my future. In fact, 'stressed out' is such an understatement...I do ridiculously reckless things when I am lost, like letting that guy whom I haven't met for years touch me all over. (I didn't even let Neil touch me that time...)
It stresses me out further when I notice that I am unstable. Like for one second, I feel I will be fine to do an 11-day business trip to Thailand and Singapore, and I am mentally capable of doing all those business mingling and even catching up with Sree. But for the next second, I feel these are all too stressful, and the loneliness and emptiness just overwhelm me and I feel like I am as desperate as I am willing to sleep with any guy who is willing to sleep with me.
While I share these with you, I want you to know that these frustrations are not directed to you. In fact, those questions I asked above are between God and me. The truth is, I still have no answers to any of them yet as of now. I believe in him, but I don't always fully understand his silence.
This was the state of my mind when I went to church today. I remember clearly that I walked in saying in my heart: I am bringing all the doubts I have to you, speak to my heart if you will. It turns out that today's message is about 'Waiting'. The pastor ended by encouraging us: God is working in your waiting. My heart (eyes* but I didn't want to cry) was overflowed with tears.
If I am honest with you Andy, I don't even know what I am waiting for sometimes. Will I ever recover from all the wounds and depression, just slightly if not fully? Will you eventually come to me? What should I even be expecting for the rest of my life? I really don't know. But God's answer to my anxiety toward the future is: He knows my heart and my desires. He knows what I need and he promised that he will provide, not because I am a 'good person' but because he loves and cares for me.
I don't even know why I am sharing these with you hahaha, perhaps because these are the most honest and deepest things that I am going through in my heart.
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