Hi, I must have scared you away. I also didn't want to write anything to you because I lost words in the dark cave of bitterness and I just want to avoid the pain.
I keep wanting to cut myself so that I can at least feel equally pain physically. I want the whole world to regret that they were too late to care about me. I left the group with jojo and rubychu and ignored all their texts, I haven't chatted with Jenny for many days.
I just feel carrying this rage and disappointment within is so painful and I want to give up and end my life so much. I feel very weak and lost and stressed and lonely. I saw on the news a HK singer suicided and I admire how brave she is. It also helped me imagine how the world will react if I one day choose the same route. Maybe it's not that bad, people at least honour her and remember her legacy.
It's okay you can't talk or don't want to talk. Sorry I scared you away and sorry I am not always kind and loving.
PS I watched two of your digital rav videos yesterday and now I am drinking soda water. My dad is in the UK and mom is in Shanghai so no one's home during daytime and I can do whatever I want and cry as long as I need
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