Hi dear, I am sorry to tell you that I don't seem to show any signs of improvement. I have been crying everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day. Every time I cry it lasts for at least 30 minutes, sometimes way longer untill I can calm down again.
There are no exact events that cause my breakdown. It's the thoughts about myself, my life, and the world that make me feel very unbearable. It feels very painful, not physically. Yet the pain causes me unable to breathe and I have to try to suffocate myself with the pillows so that I don't shake. And then I have to cry for how painful it feels, and the crying ends up not stopping.
Every time I go through this, I can't help but ask God why, why make me feel foresaken by him and the world. How long more do I have to wait for him or anyone to come through because I know I will never ever be able to get myself out. How am I going to live the rest of my life like this.
Sorry I am not helping at all here. But I really struggle. Like today I am really supposed to study for my exam tomorrow. But I cried 3 times, 3 hours in total throughout the day, not counting the time I took to recover from it. For example I fell asleep in my cry as I got really exhausted, then I woke up after 30minutes and I had the energy to cry again.... I am speechless about myself.
And because I had to finish reading through all the exam materials first, I only had time to start working at 9:30pm...I in the end worked till 11:45pm to finish the minimum work, then had to do my dishes and shower. I have to wake up at 7:30am tomorrow again to study first and I have a work meeting right before I go to school for the exam. But now my tears keep trying to come out at 1am as I try to sleep.
I don't know how to keep living like this
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