Update (?)

Hey, how are you?

There’s no photo or exciting update on my life in this post, just some honest confessions and vulnerable thoughts.

I have a problem. I am struggling a lot with the emptiness. I mentioned loneliness a lot, but emptiness is a different level. I tried to avoid acknowledging it until I couldn't ignore my inconsistent thoughts and decisions on things.

I feel frustrated with myself. But more than that, I am very scared of feeling lost in searching for love and emotional connection. I don't know where this 'longing to feel loved' feeling is leading me to.

I don't know if you know, I pour out my heart every time I write to you. Even though I might have a long day and it's really late at night, I always try to give you the 'best' content that I can. Sometimes I worked for 13 hours at home and could finally get on bed. But I would still crawl back up to change my clothes just so that I could take some 'nice' selfies for you.

I don't like social media. People put what they want the world to perceive them as on there. I strongly disagree with that, but unfortunately I am 'bound' by it just because I live in this generation and need to be aware of what is happening around me.

But this website should not be my 'social media' for you.

I have depression. It means I feel a lot. Whatever I see or hear, big or small, I feel probably at least 3 times more and stronger than average people, and most of the time they are negative feelings. It's not easy to live with that for 24 hours each day.

The only way for me to keep myself functional as a human being is to give myself enough time and space to digest each of those overwhelming feelings bit by bit, until I understand them enough and accept them enough to live with them, because the cruel reality is some feelings might never ever go away. But it doesn't mean that you have to be chained by them.

I have high expectations on myself. I want to be able to radiate light in people's lives and this disappointing world. No matter it's at work, with friends and family, or to you. But I can only do that when I know what I am doing. And I hate to say that, but recently, I feel I know less and less about what I am doing when emptiness seems to be the only thing I feel and drives me.

Because of that, I feel I just have to withdraw a little bit to figure out myself, until I have some clarity on what I'm truly searching for and how I can get there.

I love you. That has not changed. I will still be loving you and missing you. I think about you constantly, every other hour if not every single hour. And I will always be waiting for that day that you choose to find me. But I also have to cope with the cruel reality that, emotional connection can only happen when both sides are receptive and responsive. I struggle a lot with this lately.

I don't mean that I am not going to write anything here anymore. I just might write a little bit less, sound a little bit withdrawn. But you can always read back to all the previous blogs that I wrote and look back at lots of photos. Those things that I share, the words that I repeatedly wrote and encouraged you, they are the sincerest truths that I say from the bottom of my heart for you.

But I just need a bit of time between myself and God to 'unbox' this emptiness.

That's all I have for today (& the past week). I am alive in Thailand and (now) in Singapore, that's all you need to know for now.

Good night and I hope you take care of yourself for me.