Letter to read

I did an audio of this letter, in case you want to hear my voice and tone saying this directly to you :) You can choose either way.

Hey Andy,

Firstly, I want to thank you for coming back to this blog. I know hearing about me can sometimes feel unbearable for you, I want to thank you for the courage and giving me the chance to write to you again.

I heard from Jojo that you've been going through a lot. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I was there by your side during some of the toughest moments.

I asked Jojo to pass on my apologies for sending those reckless messages to you, but I just want to say it directly to you again here. You may already know or notice, I have not been in a healthy condition. I describe it this way because I don't think any term can truly capture my state, be it depression or anxiety. The only logical explanation I can give myself right now is that I am clinically sick. I experienced a very intense episode last week that I just couldn't tolerate and thought I had to make a decision at that moment: to live or not, which was when I sent out those messages because I for real thought I was about to die.

That was when I realised that I can no longer be stuck in this state. I have to make a move, any kind of move. So I decided my move to be to come back for a month. It was a very tough and 'irrational' decision because deep down I am really scared. I have been escaping from the world for the past 6 months. At first, that was indeed what I needed — to finally have the space to digest every bit of overwhelming emotions that I bottled up for perhaps 9 years. But maybe the complete isolation is also one of the causes of my condition. I become extremely hopeless and disappointed at the world. The more I escape, the more scared I feel about getting in touch again with anyone. But God somehow called me home, through different people and prompts. So I made a tough choice — a choice to give the world another chance, even though I am still extremely scared whenever I think about having to return to this place that I left all the sorrow and wounds behind and face all the people that I shut myself away from because I think I am tragic.

But I also want to let you know that, my 6 months of solitude have allowed me to focus on myself — hearing every deepest, smallest voice in my head and heart, accepting the well and poorly behaved Hannah, and reconciling with God. And I can now confidently tell you and everyone: I am no longer lost. I may be really sick and I still struggle, but I have clarity and I am no longer the same old Hannah that you last met. And I would want you to read/listen to every single word in the following that I'd like to say to you with 100% certainty:

Andy, no matter how terrible a person you think you are, how bad the situation you think you are in or cause anyone to be in, or what kind of mistakes you have made, probably beyond my imagination, I am right here, waiting for you to be ready to accept that you do not have to carry them alone. The loneliness and guilt that you feel when you are crowded by the darkness, I know exactly how that feels.

We Christians have a unique hope in Jesus — we believe that Jesus is ultimately victorious over darkness and lies, His sacrificial love overcomes death and sin, and His mercy outweighs mistakes and failure. All He needs from us is to accept it. These are the only truth that I can hold on to when my world collapses.

So whether you like it or not, I have thought through this in the past 9 months: I will not give up on you. That's not what Hannah does (You know it well 😏). All I ask for is to give me one more chance to walk with you, as a friend or whatever you see me as, to let you know that you are not alone in this tough time.

Can you give me this chance to at least talk with you? In exchange, I promise I will be brave and try my best every day, every single second to take care of myself until I come back in April.

Lastly, even though you are not religious, will you allow me to pray for us? Because this is the least I can do for you. You don't have to pray with me if you don't want to.

Jesus, I thank You because You always open Your arms wide when I turn to You, even when I messed up totally. I pray that You will fill Andy and me with Your love and hope. You heal the deepest wounds and You shed tears with us in our pain. Hug us tightly when we can't hug each other. Break all the lies that are surrounding us. Shine truth through our darkness. Lead us through this hard time. For You are good in nature and You are gracious and merciful. I pray this in Your victorious name, amen.

With a lot of love,

Hannah

PS: This 10-day plan is one of the daily readings I did, Even you are not religious, it may be a good tool for you to reflect. If you ever click on 'scripture' at the end, I recommend you to switch the version from KJV to New International Version, it's much easier to read.

https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/27859-hope-for-today-devotions-for-depression-anxiety/day/1

PPS: I don't look good but for you, I am willing to show the not very okay side of myself