Loneliness

This one is really hard for me if not the hardest.

There're many kinds of crying. Loneliness for me is definitely the heart-breaking kind of cry. It's so intolerable and ingrained in me that I just can't see anything beyond it.

My first day back to Meyer was a Monday in Jan. I was nervous about my new boss because I barely know him. I sat down at my desk at home at 9am, and then...nothing happened lol

My boss never greeted me, never sent me any emails or messages, didn't set up a call, as if I was nonexistent. At 10am I finally took the courage to drop him a whatsapp. All he said was welcome and there's nothing else he needs from me today. So I pretended to be working until noon. But people at the HK office were off work so there literally was not a single person there for me.

I couldn't hold myself. I buried my head in the desk, crying and suffocating myself in the darkness as if I'd never live to see the world in light again. I just cried out for relief from this world and nightmare of life.

I think I was too uncalm at one point I lost touch with reality. Then suddenly an image came to my head as if I had a dream. I was brought to a green pasture next to the sea. I was sitting under a tree with my guitar, siumai and flat white (haha!) The sun warms me and I can feel the breeze and watch the birds flying around.

And I was like oh is this heaven?? I mean if it is it's definitely a 'tailored' heaven just for me lol Then suddenly Jesus appeared and asked me to have a walk with him. It was awkward and I was thinking...errr should I say something?

But it didn't feel like I had to. It just felt so peaceful. And I could feel that He was saying to me: It's okay, Hannah. You've been doing so well. I love you and you don't have to worry about anything anymore. You just have to smile with your big face like you used to and enjoy this walk with me.

It was perhaps the most beautiful and pure picture I've had in my life and mind. I tried to draw it out but as you know I draw like 3 years old... but I guess it helps reflect how pure the scene is.

I think it is a pretty accurate drawing and description :)

It brought me so much peace that I didn't want to wake up. I was like take me to this place now Jesus and I just want to be with you. But as I tried to open my eyes, the sun started to shine right on my face. It was raining the whole day and you know how rare the sun is in winter in the UK.

You can also see the sun's reflection from the photo of my notebook :) As I looked out and felt the warmth of the sun, I saw birds flying around just like what I saw in my 'image'.

Then I could sense that God was saying, that was just a glimpse of heaven for you. But I am also with you right here in this very space, at this very moment. You are already at where you wanna be.

Jesus became my best friend since then because I know he never left me alone when no one else was there for me.

So this is probably one of my best story :) I hope you like it. It still brings me tears every time I talk about it, because it feels so real.