Today is my birthday.
I felt a lot today and it was so hard to keep myself from crying.
I felt like crying when I was doing my morning devotional. I felt like crying when I read the long birthday message from that therapist friend. I felt like crying when my brother rushed into my room and said to me 'it's your birthday today!' in the morning. I felt like crying when my mom said she thank God for bringing me to the world 27 years ago when she say grace before dinner.
One of the dark places I have been in the past year is feeling unloved. I don't know if it's because of my depression that stops me from comprehending love, or hurt and shame that I have gone through (like what Edwin has done to me). It's like even I rationally know I am loved and cared, I just can't feel it. It's such a frustrating place to be in and there is a part of me telling myself that I don't deserve it. But I guess today God did something different in me.
I didn't have a high profile celebration, didn't have fancy dinner, didn't get many birthday messages, wasn't treated like a princess. I am still single, still waiting. I am still far from feeling a 'happy birthday'.
But my heart was moved when I start to notice and learn to appreciate people's heart and effort to make me feel loved.
If there is anything I feel God would want me to remember on my birthday this year, it is that no matter the reason it is that I am not feeling it, or that I think I don't deserve it, it doesn't change the truth that I am loved.
I don't know if you can relate. But it's like when someone tries really really hard to touch your very broken heart. It doesn't feel 'comfortable' at all that it even makes you cry or run away. But you know that it is something good, that it is love. It's up to us to decide if we are willing to endure that 'uncomfortable' feeling until it gradually becomes something we can comfortably and fully embrace.
I miss you today (don't think there's a day that I don't), my dear favourite person, Andy. I hope you know that you are loved too. ❤️🩹
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