Felt a bit shameful to put photos of myself here for you after what happened. Also didn't want to fake a smile for you. So maybe this is a more 'appropriate' photo.
Just came back and immediately had a tough day at work. I guess you might want to know what the guy's reply was to my message.
You can tell from his reply, he doesn't like me. Or at least not enough to develop anything more, just like all the other guys. He probably just wants to touch me but he has his baseline. (I mean, he has a girlfriend.) Is he a bad guy? Probably not the worst kind of guy who just hunts for sex. He is actually a first year doctor now in the UK. But you know one's career doesn't define who they are. And I only know despite him seemingly being a nice and caring guy, he slept on the same bed with me and touched me all over when his girlfriend is at the other side of the world.
I decided to send him that message because I accidentally saw his girlfriend's message from his phone before we parted in the airport. That was when the cruel reality hit me: 'You think he likes you just because he asked for many times and tried every possible ways to spend more nights with you? There's nothing in those touches, just pure physical pleasure. You know that he will never be able to give you what you long for from another person, yet you try to fool yourself and settle for something that end up hurting yourself.'
It feels hurt to realIze that. But I also meant it when I told him I don't want to ruin his life, because I know I don't even like him. I was just using him to punish myself. But I will feel bad if anything goes wrong in his relationship because of me. So it doesn't matter if I take the blame.
I miss you Andy. I miss you so much. I just wish you were here so that I have someone to look at and realize again who I can be.
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