Stressful days recently and haven't been able to sleep well. Too much happening that are triggering my anxiety. I did make some progress on the questions I listed out last time that I said I would give myself some time to explore and pray about.
The truth is I've been flying way too much in the past month, alone especially. I didn't even realise that I went to 5 countries in October (UK, HK, Stockholm, Thailand, Singapore).
I am the kind who needs time and energy to 'sense' and absorb my surroundings in order to feel mentally comfortable to be in that environment. Unlike going on a vacation when you'd explore that place, I literally have been jumping from one place to another, running after itineraries during my trips in the past month even within the same country.
I made through every single one of them. But I am actually slowly losing my mental comfort zone. Even now that I am in Hong Kong, it doesn't feel like 'I am home'. It feels more like I am just passing by. I tried to push myself to feel more 'settled' here, but when I am not feeling it, I feel frustrated and I start to want to run away again.
I don't know if any of these makes sense to you at all actually. Like even now, my brain is constantly flooded with random, 'wild' thoughts, healthy and unhealthy ones, coming in and out, which is very usual for someone like me.
So I don't think I am at a right state to decide on any details of my trip to the UK yet. As I shared, I am learning to slow down and not force myself to move forward with anything if they come from only fear and emptiness, until I find peace and resolve.
I do already know I will have to make that trip because Vincent earlier said he wants me to be at a trade show in Frankfurt, which happens a week after my graduation ceremony (18/1).
I don't think it's a coincidence as I did pray this morning if God can direct my way in an easy and clear way because I feel very lost and unsure. And Vincent brought this up later in the afternoon, pushing strongly for me to go there.
On the side, this does stress me out because I seem to be the only one (again) who will be there from the HK office. It's not going to be an easy trip as he tasked me to be in charge of product showcase in the show and asked me to join a lot of client meetings which is way beyond my area of expertise. So I am freaking out. But with this, it now makes complete sense for me to make that trip to UK/EU.
But I have no answer yet to how long should I be there, where else should I go, who should I meet, etc. This caused me a complete meltdown last night and this morning.
It goes back to feeling like I am doing these because I 'have to' do these. But are these what I want?
My most honest answer is, I only want to spend all those important moments, my birthday, Christmas, new year, my graduation (my family isn't even coming.), with you.
But I am so scared of disappointment and loneliness. I am trying to not think about it, because I don't know if this should even be what I can 'fantasise' about.
I feel I am in such a messy mental state lately. But one thing I am learning is not to hide any of these from God and trust that he is with me and helping me to navigate through this.
PS. Saw the bear again in IKEA. Ugly photo taken by my brother. They now have a mini one but it doesn't have the tummy. Went into the office with this 'mature' look the other day.
Comments