Hello (again), funnily enough I immediately realised what I'd like to write about after we parted. I am still thinking what you said about I didn't grow as we have expected. So I just wanted to tell you these:
1 Despite my depression, I am ONE OF THE BEST students at class.
I skipped zero class throughout the year despite of how hard it was to get out of bed. My LOWEST grade was a B (because I wrote that essay on a flight). I did a pitch about myself and my teacher said it was one of the strongest she's seen, and I got 82. All the rest of my modules are either A or A- or B+. My professor once asked me, 'Do you think you still need to finish this Master's?' (I was like, is that even an appropriate question to ask? 😒) All my classmates treat me as a tutor or consultant, they come to me for all kinds of advice, one even asked if I want to work for her brand.
2 Despite my depression, I own the biggest. ever. project this company has ever had.
Did anyone tell you what my role actually is? I PM the entire Disney project. I make sure every moving parts in this company know what they are doing. By that it means working with 4+ brands (Meyer Labs is just one of them), 12 markets (I talk directly with the directors and I meet with each market regularly ALONE) and all the departments that you don't even know. I am everyone's go-to-person, I advise every single decision to be made from product to marketing, globally to locally. I am authorised to directly escalate to Vincent if I encounter any problem (of course I rarely do that), and everyone in this organization knows it. I look at all the sales & forecast numbers of 12 markets. I liaise with the US legal about our contract. I manage our relationships with Disney.
Remember that I flew to Taiwan? Vincent sent me there to do a presentation. And oh yes, I flew almost 30 hours ALONE, UK and Taiwan and HK and back, despite my depression.
I almost forgot to say that I have a 'boss' who is not actually a boss because even he is 'scared' of me. My actual boss is Vincent, and I am not protected, filtered, or mentored by anyone. I figure things out ALL BY MYSELF. My entire role is to deal with people all around the world. Can you imagine how much I have worked on my social and people management skills, despite my depression?
3 Despite my depression, I took care of an apartment, a car, and myself physically for a year.
While I technically do TWO full times (A full-time masters student + freelance for Meyer but I work 40 hours a week), I still cook myself 2 meals a day, I clean the house, and I didn't get sick for an entire year, not even once.
Finally, despite my depression and bitterness towards the world, kindness and love is what I hold on to.
Honestly if you ask me, all the above 'achievements' mean nothing to me, but this does. I helped a few homeless in London even I was super shy and scared to respond them.
I don't think I told you that my brother broke up few months back. I gave him advice that he later said was 'so wise and strong' (even I was at my weakest that time).
I could have used my 'power' in my role to look down at a lot of people at work, but I decided that building people up and leading as a servant is what I will do.
----
I could have been bold and talk about all these all the time, but I wanted to use that limited words on this blog to write something 'deeper' and more relevant to you, that's why I guess what I reveal here is more one-sided, I have to say sorry for that. But also, if you think these are 'big' or 'good' or 'important' stuff that I could've focused on, then you have to understand how trivial they are for a depression person compared to the weight of their darkness within.
So when you said that you wish my depression didn't control me and that I could 'enjoy' life, I guess I partly understand what you meant but I am just not sure if that was what I aimed for.
I embarked my journey to the UK knowing that I was going to face the biggest problem, which is myself. Because I know I am the kind who is good at tackling external problems but extremely bad at dealing with internal problems. I never aimed to 'start a new life' there, in fact I aimed to take that time to rediscover and prepare myself for the life I hope I can live out with someone I love.
This reminds me of this Bible verse that kept me going when I feel the pain from depression is killing me:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
All the above are just shallow examples of proud moments, they aren't even those 'great stories' that I said I will only share with you when you are available to listen. I did share some with my therapist friend, you know what she said? She said, I am one of the few reasons she still thinks God exists in this world, because she can see God in me (I think she meant how I could press through miraculously despite my depression).
Sorry this is a super long write. Also sorry for all the awkward silence and coldness today, I am clearly very bad at talking about myself and you may have to break down the walls again bit by bit someday when you want to, or if you want to.
----
Glad to meet you again today, Andy. Will you remember the hugs that I gave you and the advice? To remember today, here is my ootd that I decided in 5 SECONDS:
(Also remember I said 'I really like you' was an understatement of how I feel about you)
Comments