I miss you, Andy.
I was trying to finalize my accommodation for my Jan trip. I've been asking Edwin so when exactly is it that he actually would like to meet, because he stays in a small town near Bristol and it's definitely not close to London. But his replies have been so delayed and lukewarm.
And this morning I just told him it might just be easier if we don't meet at all. If he doesn't want to anyway. I said I am fine with it.
But actually inside me there's just this rage that I can't swallow. Thinking how all these times he sounds so nice but actually he's just trying to take advantage of me. The reason we met again after years was because he randomly asked me one day if I could help him buy some stuff in London and take back to HK. I am genuinely okay to help even if it's for a 'friend' who isn't really a friend. But all the things that happened later on.
No one will truly understand how it feels for a girl to be touched by someone who doesn’t have feeling for you, unless you have experienced it yourself.
I still can't cope with that hurt properly. My ridiculous way to deal with it has been to try to make him like me so that I can rationalise his touching. That's why I let him touch me the second time on the last night in London. And I tried to keep in touch after I came back.
But deep down everything feels wrong. I know I am silly. Even when it's so clear that the world isn't as simple as I hope it to be, even when I know this guy does me 0% good but just 200% harm, I still find ways to cover for what he has done. I still want to forgive and let things go and tried to treat him like a friend.
I need a lot of healing. Maybe we all do. I still believe in love but it doesn't mean the hurt isn't real.
Sorry, this is another vulnerable sharing here again. I miss you and I think I really need some hugs.
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