Office day

I miss you. I miss you so very much.

I had a sad rough day today.

I went into the office because my reporting boss from the UK is in town. I don't know if it is because I am sick and have been at home for days, I felt extra overwhelmed by all the human interaction that I had to make.

My job now requires me to have a lot of meetings with different teams and not only that, I always have to lead and steer the conversations. You know me more than anyone how uncomfortable I am with doing that, even though I can pretend that I am very fine with it and even do that really well.

But it felt extra overwhelming for me today. It's more of because I was faking too much that I am at that energy level when I am actually not at all. And when I was leaving the office alone, I felt this extreme sadness that I just wanted to run back home or to somewhere 'safe' to cry all my tears out.

I was so overwhelmed by the world that I took taxi home when I left because I didn't drive to the office today. When I was waiting for the uber taxi, I only wanted to look at the floor.

I wish you were somewhere that I could just go look for you. I miss you cheering me up when I am grumpy, I miss you giving me hugs when I want to feel love and warmth. I miss you making my hair, I miss you talking loudly about nonsense. I miss how you look at me, I miss how you call me 'Hannah', I miss how whenever I look at you I just feel really safe.

Tomorrow is the 'big' day. I have a presentation to Stanley, that I still have to finish tonight. It's the first time I am presenting to him directly. My cough is still here too and my voice doesn't sound good. I also can't sleep well because I often wake up by my coughing throughout the night. And tomorrow night I have to have dinner with my UK boss.

I know whenever I feel not well and overwhelmed like today, it's a sign that I have to attend to the inner child inside me. She needs some comfort and care. Because there's no one else who can give these to her, I will have to learn to give these to her by myself, even if that means letting myself cry all the tears out and having a lot of breakdown moments and self talk.

Miss you.