The open up sharing

hello dear, how are you? miss you.

Yesterday I met with Chung and we went to cyberport, where we tried to catch the sunset (but failed) and then had dinner, and after dinner we stayed in the car to chat. He’s been waiting to hear more about me for a whole week, and I finally shared about things that I’ve been through in terms of past relationships and my mental health.

This is the first time in a very long time (last time was probably with you) that I opened up that much about myself with another person in person. In fact, I was already really nervous before meeting him. But I also kept telling myself that I don’t have to force myself to open up if end up I realised I just don’t feel comfortable enough to do so, that’s okay too, and in some way that is also an indicator of how ready I am mentally and emotionally.

In the end, I shared him about my past relationships, Sree and Neil, and the not official ones, which is you and Edwin (the person who touched me when I was in London), as well as the mental and faith journey I went through. It was a exhausting process. It’s not really that I felt stressful as in that he made me feel unsafe but I still had to confess everything. It’s more of like I haven’t had to talk about myself that much for a really long time, and having to play back those past and rewinding all those emotions vividly was just so draining.

For some of the parts I didn’t really dive too deep, such as my mental health situation, because I asked him if he has any friends who have mental issues, he said no he doesn’t. I know that he probably doesn’t really know how to respond to me or make me not feel triggered when I share how it is like.

We chatted till 12:30am, and I was so drained when I got home and even till the next morning that I felt I was feeling a bit of emotional detachment. So I told him I just need some space to recover, and he understood and we only chatted about lighter things throughout the day.

This morning (after a day) I finally feel a little bit better, and at least more grounded back to reality instead of being stuck or lost in those memories.

I know he probably has a lot of follow up questions or things he wants to respond to me, cause I told him to hold those back for now, partly because I was just really tired and don’t want myself to drain further, but also partly because I want to give him space to digest as well, especially whether he is still interested in me after knowing all the baggages I carry.

I feel that so far, he’s just so into me, but also he is such a pure person with very little dating experience. Which is something that I worry about because I don’t want to end up hurting him.

Sharing till here for now today, before I dive too deep and get lost in my mind again. miss you 🫂

(This is me yesterday, the day after the night of meeting me)