Hello my dear Andy, how are you? I hope you are doing alright. Today I have something deep and honest to share. I hope you bear with me.
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Last night, I went to sleep realizing that I am turning 27 in just two weeks' times.
Perhaps this number looks small to you. But to me, it is pretty scary. I remember how when I was young (like 20ish), I used to think my goal was to have my first baby before 30 (because I wanted to have a smaller gap with my children), and that would mean I had to get married when I was 26 27?
I know that sounds like some typical naive teenage girl dream (haha). But wow, can't believe I am already 26/27 now. And look at how far I am from that 'dream', not just the fact that I am still single, but that I don't even know if I still want or am capable of having a child because of all the mental struggles that I have.
You know how sometimes you daydream a very beautiful 'picture' that you really hope that it'd happen. But then you come back to reality and realise, you are just no where close to being there at all. That reality hit is hard. And for someone like me who relies on visibility to navigate in any situation I am in, that fear of uncertainty about the future is deep and haunting.
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Interestingly, today's topic at church is 'to make room for God's dream in your life'. I asked myself, what is my dream in life?
If I am completely honest, for quite a period of time since I realised how much I love you, my dream has been that one day I'll finally be able to be with you, spend the rest of my life with you, maybe have a child or two (still not sure because they might steal you from me, hehe), and grow old together in love.
Is that still my dream now? Yes, it is. Just picturing that in my head is enough to make me teary no matter where I am. (Secret: I often imagine that on bus and start tearing up đ )
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But I also asked myself, what is God's dream in my life? A lot of people, even Christians, probably don't have the answer to that for themselves. I don't know if I should say that I am 'lucky', but I do.
I will never forget on one Sunday that I decided I was going to end my life after going to church for one last time. But on that Sunday at church, God revealed himself and spoke to me specifically these words: It is not the time for you to die yet. From now on, you live for me. I have a purpose for you. You are going to be a light of this world. I will make you shine like a light in darkness, just like I do.
It'll be another story about how that revelation came about. But my life has changed ever since that day. It's like I died and then was reborn again. To be honest, I didn't even understand what it means to be a 'light' that time. I only knew God revealed and 'commanded' me not to die yet (which is actually quite scary). But every time I look back at that moment and compare it to where I am now, I feel I am slowly understanding that more and more.
It feels arrogant for me to say these. But I know that God has always put a unique lens in me that allows me to see the best in people, and he's also put a heart in me that wants to help others live up to their full potentials. But to fulfill all these for others, the work has to start within me.
If I want to light up other people, I myself have to go through this journey of wrestling in my own darkness in order to shine brighter and brighter, until I am bright enough to be other people's light. That is the only way.
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So...I guess what I am trying to share with you is, you have always been my dream, Andy. A dream that I have been asking God to fulfill every single day since the day you decided to go.
But God has also put a bigger dream in me. It's a dream that I have for everyone that I get to encounter in life. I genuinely believe that God doesn't just put people in our lives randomly or by mistakes, and specifically YOU, for someone who's moved my heart so deeply from bottom to top to appear in my life.
I started to realise perhaps my ultimate dream is not simply that we love each other and can live happily ever after. But what if we can write a beautiful story, that because of each other, we are able to walk out of our own shadows, and live out the gifts that we are given and the potentials that we see in each other.
I don't know what you'd want to see in me. But I dream to see you accept people's love and forgiveness, I dream to see you walk out from your guilt and shame. I dream to see you bringing warmth and laughter to people you care about.
And being able to be with you is a bonus to me. A big big bonus in life. Because I really really like you, and I desire to have you in my life. But ultimately, I want to see you live up to your potentials, and I want to be with you to get you there. (đ you have no idea how much tears I have by the time I wrote till here)
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I sometimes 'hate' having these reflective realisation (haha) and words that I just have to pour out and write to you, because they are indeed heavy. But they are also from the deepest place in my heart.
Today I only have this ugly photo that my brother took during breakfast after church. Miss you and hugs đ€
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