Running up that hill

It’s finally the weekend — the first weekend after you’re gone. Oh and I finally watched Dr Strange last night at home :) Perhaps because the movie isn’t great at all anyway, it doesn’t feel as bad that I am not sharing the moment with anyone aside from my imaginary friend and a cup of orange juice haha

I’ve also finished watching Stranger Things season 4, and I LOVE IT because of all the characters. My favourite character has become Max, maybe because of how much I can relate to her.

I’ve been learning to cope with a world without you in the past few days, and music has become my new ‘company’ where ever I go.

My recent loop is 彼個所在 . I have to play it several times when I wake up and during the day, or whenever I just really really miss you. The song is about missing someone who is no longer around while all the good memories still last. I think the song really reflects my mood, and because of how peaceful the song is, I can gently feel those intense emotions inside me without breaking down.

Another song that I’ve been looping a lot, but usually when I am outside, is Running up that hill. Definitely influenced by Stranger Things haha (the episode ‘Dear Billy’ is my favourite), but it’s also because I do often get this runaway feeling recently. Sometimes I feel I am just not used to the outside world that still functions normally as if nothing has happened, while I am still grieving for your disappearance. I get that people come and go especially in a workplace, and business should resume normal the next day after someone is gone. But I just don’t think I can reset to ‘normal’ this soon. Plus, it’s not even the normal ‘normal’, because I am leaving Meyer in a week and Hong Kong in 3.5 weeks. With this little remaining time, I know that I should cherish every single opportunities to see my friends and finish my work. But honestly, I just don’t know if I want to force myself to be in these social settings with a bunch of friends and families who don’t really know what I’ve gone through, and fake laughing and responding to their caring.

I think all I want to is to spend some time, alone, to digest my emotions, to grieve or whatever you call it, until I am ready to connect to the world again. I know all these people that I am meeting care a lot about me, but I am just not sure if I want to open up to let people in when my emotions inside are just still so intense. In fact, I don’t think I will ever let anyone else in as deeply as you are.

So yeah what I have been doing in the past few days is that I just plug in my airpods whenever I have to go out and run some errands or travel. Sometimes I play peaceful songs, sometimes I play ‘noisy break-free’ music like The Script, ‘Wake me up when September ends’ (my another favourite), or anything loud enough to help me runaway.

Don’t worry, I am not exactly building a wall between myself and the world. I just think some self protection will help me feel less stressed out when you’re not here to distress me. I am still learning how to cope with everything and I know I will keep trying.

Miss you a lot, miss you even more when I have to keep it within me.

👇🏻 My alone time lunch yesterday after my dentist appointment 🦷 Expensive but I am glad that it was not as scary and painful 😵