Sharing

I woke up feeling a little bit sick today. Not sure if it is because I haven't been sleeping well these days.

I don't feel like waking up so I opened the verse and sharing of the day in the Bible app I use. Today's verse is: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

In that very short video, the person asked if we have ever experienced not just disappointment but deep pain in our heart and felt that our heart shattered into pieces. And she encouraged us that no matter how big the wound is, whether it's a broken relationship, abuse, our own mistakes, grief or loss, we can believe that God is the greatest healer and can heal any broken hearts.

I thought about my depression. I think since I moved back to HK and now have not enough privacy to cry whenever I want to, I am forced to swallow the emotions more often than I used to be. Over time, I seem to be feeling better, but it's actually more like I chose to put those thoughts aside. But deep down in my heart or whenever I have space, those thoughts are still there.

Thoughts like...I am unable to comprehend or feel happiness because of the heavy weight of sadness. Those depressive and suicidal feelings are what I have to live with for the rest of the life. And I will never feel better, not to mention to be fully healed.

The truth is, I am getting so so so much better at faking that I am doing okay. In front of my family, at work, and with friends. I don't look like what I have been through. I only reveal that side of me when my room door is closed.

But I feel today God's invite to me is that I can fake it in front of everyone else, but I can't fake it in front of him. He knows where my heart is at and how wounded it still is deep inside. But he is also inviting me if I am willing to believe that he is able to heal those deepest wounds, the ones that I have already fully convinced myself that I will never ever recover from for the entire lifetime.

If I am being completely honest, I still find it challenging to believe. I have waited and waited. I can't see how my life can be massively changed that will make me feel completely different.

But I am glad that God has this invite for me. Perhaps it takes time to believe again. And perhaps it takes time, longer than I hoped, to see changes.

That's all my sharing today. Photo from yesterday: