Sharing

hello dear, how are you?

I am feeling less sick/exhausted these two days but I am still coughing a lot.

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday. I was feeling a lot again suddenly. I don’t really know how to describe it, I guess as I recover from my cold and my brain is less drowsy and more active, I start to feel a bit perplexed both physically and mentally by being back in HK again after spending more than 2 weeks in Europe.

I felt really overwhelmed yesterday throughout the day. I was thinking about how I got sick again so soon after coming back, how my coughing is making me feel so weak and I also can’t sing which is a way for me to regulate my emotions. And I was thinking now that I have accomplished this long trip and it feels like it marks an end to a season, but I don’t really know what to expect in this next season where I am back in HK.

I guess I kinda feel lost because I don’t like the feeling that being back in HK means a mundane routine life for me. I believe there’s always something that God wants me to experience in each season, whether it is a season of travelling or staying in the UK or HK. But at this moment, I can’t really figure out what that is for this season. And that makes me feel frustrated and want to have some time alone just by myself to figure “things” out.

Unfortunately I feel like I don’t have the space to do that. I have a lot of work to catch up on because I have been sick and not so productive. My parents are also still here that needs me to attend to. We are actually having a family trip to Fukuoka at end of March. We’ve booked the tickets but I haven’t had the time to plan anything for it. My mom also had a conversation with my brother and I the other day about handling her finances in HK. I know this day would come but when she brought it up, it still made me feel a bit mentally triggered, because it involves a lot of long term considerations and future planning, and I could feel that my depressed mindset is reacting to process these information.

I also have some friends who want to catch up with me, and I want to continue my routine of joining the care group at church and going for vocal class biweekly to make sure I am not being socially withdrawn.

But all these things are taking up my mental energy and space. And if I am being honest, most of the time I still just want to crawl in my bed and be on my own in my quiet space. And a lot of times, I just miss you a lot and want to give my head all the space to think about you.

I guess I still need some time to adjust and find a balance. And I hope that as I navigate through this, I will start to understand what is it that God wants me to experience in this season.

Sorry that I don’t have any photos for this post, just my honest and vulnerable sharing. I miss you, my dear. I wonder how you are doing and when I can hug you again.