Sharing

hello dear, how are you? wonder how you are doing and miss you.

Wanted to share updates on the guy I mentioned in my last post that I newly met, after 2.5 days, we’ve still been chatting very frequently pretty much throughout the day. He is not flirting with me much, I think he tried to hint that I have a pretty face and one time he said I’m cute, but that’s it. He does say morning and good night to me too, and sometimes when he hasn’t replied me for like more than an hour ish, he would tell me what he’d been up to. I guess at this point, it’s a bit hard for me to just lightly say he’s only trying to make friends with me.

I also shared this with my chinese doctor this morning when I had my appointment, I said I am not sure what his intention is, especially I don’t understand why he would be interested in me at all because he seems to be the very “gwai lo” / expat kind and has a very manly look which I’m sure most Asian girls would find him handsome. But then my chinese doctor said no guys would chat endlessly with a girl if he isn’t interested in her.

I guess I am still being quite cautious at this stage because I am still observing and trying to get to know him. Aside from the casual chats we have had, he mentioned that he lived a reckless life before truly becoming a christian, which is something he wants to share with me (his past stories) when we meet on thursday, so I’m waiting to find out more.

But aside from that, I guess I am mostly just feeling really nervous and thinking a lot at the moment. I feel that so far he’s quite nice, polite, and gentle. But also I can feel the intensity from him and it’s a familiar feeling, because Sree (my first boyfriend) had that same energy too especially when we first started dating. In fact, I feel you sometimes gave me that feeling too back then, but you are slightly more “reserved” on the surface. I don’t really know how to describe it, but that intensity is like a very passionate, almost “obsessed and out of control” kind of attraction that I can feel from the other person. And it kinda scares me that I can already start to feel that from him in just 3 days of chatting. I might be sensing it wrongly, but he definitely has a passionate and extroverted personality. And what makes me nervous is that I worry I will develop feelings for him because he has feelings for me and I enjoy being liked by him. To me, that would be an unhealthy foundation for a relationship, and I don’t want to repeat that mistake because that is one of the lessons I’ve learned from my experience with Sree.

I am also feeling stressed because I actually don’t know if I am ready for “this” or not yet. “This” as in, getting to know a new person, trying to develop a new close intimate relationship, especially with all that has happened with me, my mental state, where my heart is at, my stories, and even just me in general being a very complicated person. And most of all, I don’t want to hurt him because I feel that he has a kind and sensitive heart deep down.

So because of all these things, I have just been feeling quite perplexed overall. But at the same time I just feel very strongly that this time I really want to be cautious and take things slowly, and go with the flow. So I’ve been trying to not sound too passionate or too cold, or play any “games” or tests with him so far as we chat. At the same time, I also just want to pray more about this for wisdom and clarity, to understand what God’s will is on this.

This was me yesterday at 6:30am going to the airport to pick my parents up, I was very sleepy as I slept for only 4 hours :(

Then I went to the office afterwards and here my round 2 sleepy look