Sharing about mom

hello dear, how are you today? The weather’s gotten a lot cold this few days, hope you are staying warm 🤍

I am finally feeling better today both physically and mentally. At least I stopped feeling like I want to cry anytime. I think my chinese meds helped me to feel more calm too.

Even though I think my period and the hormonal changes are the main reasons, I feel like there’re indeed things that trigger me that make me more emotionally unstable than usual for the last few days.

I mentioned briefly yesterday that my mom threw some tantrums few days ago and had us all talk with her. I actually felt a lot that night because of the things she said. She was crying and expressing all the disappointment she’s accumulated towards me, from the smallest things at home to deeper expectations, such as that she feels she is very distanced from me as my mom. For example, I’ve been quite unwell the last few days because of my period. She only knows when I told them during our family dinner. And she felt like if we had a close daughter and mom relationship, she would have been the first person I told and asked for help first thing in the morning. She got so emotional sharing about things like that.

I understand what she is saying, and why she said that, and the reality is she is probably right. You know me and probably briefly about my relationship with my family. But I carried a lot of hurt and tears that I keep inside me over the years because of them. I grow up learning to hide my vulnerability, and also protect myself from being more hurt by setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. But that’s why they feel distant from me. Because it is true that they don’t really know me, or truly understand me.

While I feel God has been working on both sides in our family relationship, over the years, I’ve come to accept that these tensions in our family will always be something that I have to live with because of the boundaries I set. But still, it breaks my heart every time my mom breaks down emotionally like that and knowing there are just some expectations that I can’t compromise and fulfil for her. So that’s why it was a lot for me.

Sorry about the very long and slightly heavy sharing. I feel that I am recovering slowly from that today. So I hope that I will continue to feel better. miss you, hugs 🫂

I only got this photo on bed tonight, because I didn’t go out today: