Stockholm 🇸🇪

It's quite cold here in Stockholm, as if it's already December.

I've been drinking for two nights. If you don't remember, I am allergic to alcohol and I get really fast heartbeat, rashes, and dizziness if I drink. But as I had dinner in these fancy restaurants with candles alone, the rebellious cynical me just took over. I didn't even know what I was drinking because I know nothing about alcohol, and I finished them all even I didn't like the taste.

I know this is bad. Even in the past one year in the UK, I have not drunk at all. I am still in the battle between 'punishing' myself vs loving myself again, and I just can't bear with myself.

I tell God: I run out of my way. I feel difficult to even turn to you and ask for help like I used to. I feel shameless to ask you for anything. But I know you never turned away from me even when I go down the wrong path. In fact, you chase me down just to tell me that you still love me. So if you will, heal me and save me in your way like you have done countless times, even when I try to run away.

I also miss you so very much, Andy. I just don't know if I am eligible to say that to you. And I am also worry about you. I hope you're okay.

Miss you.

A lot a lot a lot