Today is Sunday, for a very long time I haven't felt this hesitation of going to church because I feel scared and unworthy to face God. I went anyway with an empty soul.
I told God in my heart that I really have nothing to offer him today. But his response was, he doesn't want anything from me. He doesn't need me to fix all my problems first before I come to him. He doesn't need me to do 10 good things to pay for the wrongs that I've done. He just wants me to come as I am with my heart, even if it's a really really broken one with a lot of unresolved issues, he welcomes me.
Today we looked at how even the most 'godly, faithful' people recorded in the Bible would just throw offensive questions and blames to God when they felt God is silent and not doing anything in their circumstances. Like these:
“Why is my pain unending and my wound grievous and incurable? You are to me like a deceptive brook, like a spring that fails.” “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?”
And I felt today perhaps all God wants from me, is to be utterly honest in front of him about myself and my circumstances. The disappointment I feel, the pain and guilt I carry, the bitterness I taste in life.
Being a Christian never means that things will all go well. It also never means that you must be a perfect person. It simply means letting God enter your heart and meet you at where you are at.
Haven't prayed for days. But my honest prayer to God today is: I know who you are in my head. But there is this gap of what I know in my head and how I feel in my heart because of my circumstances and inadequacy. I am drowning in the ocean and all I know is to cry for your grace and mercy to walk me through these difficult times that feel like forever. Save me.
Every breath feels difficult. But I am holding on tightly.
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