How are you, Andy? I miss you a lot and have been thinking about you a lot.
I am still adjusting to be back in HK. It feels different from the last two times when I came back. Maybe it's because it feels more 'permanent' this time. Being back last two times was like a school break for me. But this time it's like I don't know when I will go back to the UK again now that I graduated, and there isn't a practical reason to go back.
It forces me to face some of the problems that I had a lot of reasons (excuses) to not fix when I was in the UK. For example my lack of in-person social network. I rarely went out with anyone in the UK. I would tell myself it's because I got work + school + household chores and I needed space. Now I no longer have school and have less chores here in HK. But I actually just have this tendency to isolate myself because of my depression.
The stress of facing my problems makes me keep questioning if I made the right decision to come back for the time being. The truth is, all I feel is to run away. I don't want to deal with any of my problems or wounds. And I feel even more overwhelmed when I can't see through where I can be even if I face my internal issues.
To me, the more temporary way to run away would be to continue to live in isolation in the UK. But the more ultimate yet still 'feel easier' way is to just end my life.
This is when I realised that it is the narrow road that I picked when I chosse to come back. It is the road that's harder but hopefully will lead to something greater ultimately.
And I want to share this with you because, making the same conscious decisions of being on a narrow road everyday is not easy. It's about not running back to the past even when all you feel is pain in the present, and you just hold on to the hope that things will become better one day in the future as you endure the pain now.
I don't know what you are going through now, Andy. I am sorry that I have talking about myself a lot lately. But I hope this encourages you and shines some light to whatever situations you are at. Hugs with a lot of love.
(This was the last photo I took with my apartment)
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